How Do I Help?

The commercials for antidepressants always say depression hurts...and not only those who have the disease, but the loved ones as well.  This is such a true statement.  Over the course of the last several years, I have had just as many family members of depressed people reach out to me for advice as those who have the disease.  As much as I understand what a hopeless feeling depression is, I can only imagine how a caregiver, mate, friend, or family member would feel helpless.  Today, a very sweet friend and former colleague reached out to me about a family member and it inspired me to try and explore a little deeper into the subject of treating depression when you are not the one who is depressed.

 

The first piece of advice I can give is to have compassion.  If you are reading this, or researching depression, then you obviously already believe it is a real medical issue and can be very dangerous.  Realize that depression can seriously alter someone's quality of life, just as any physically obvious illness would.  Please don't judge the person.  Understand they probably have lost complete control over their emotions and will not be able to regain an ability to cope until they seek professional or spiritual help.  If you have not already reviewed my article, "Faith Is A Factor," be sure to read it and understand that depression harms the faith of a person, but they didn't beccome depressed because they lacked faith.  This clarity will keep you from judging your loved one too harshly.

 

Next you need to have patience.  Depression can change daily.  If your loved one is bipolar, their mood swings can go up and down hourly, daily, weekly, etc.  This is known as rapid cycling.  You may feel frusturated because one day progress seems to occur and then another day there is regression.  This is comomon and truly needs to be expected.  I toured three states last summer and gave a number of speeches on battling depression and I am sure it appeared to most that I had gotten my act together.  I would still go home every day and crash.  My brother was brutally killed in a car crash at the beginning of my tour and even though I continued to speak, my moods cycled daily.  Patience is difficult when someone you love can display anger, bitterness, sadness, and other emotions that can be taken personally, especially if directed at you.  Please don't give up.  They will need you to withstand the destructive behavior they may exude.

 

Seeking professional help is a must if an episode lasts for more than two weeks.  Prolonged phases of inactivity, crying, mood swings, or destructive behavior is a clear sign of a chemical imbalaance.  Many people with manic depression and bipolar disorder will become impuslive, dangerous, permiscuous, and obviously plan or even attempt suicide.  Most physicians will recommend outpatient treatment if a person has a good suppport system at home, but inpatient programs are necessary depending on the severity of the episode.  When seeking medical help, you must encourage your loved one to be honest about every feeling and symptom they are having.  Since there are no blood tests to determine depression, symptoms and a record of feelings is imperative in gaining a proper diagnosis.  They should also understand that effective treatment takes trial and error.  Medications may only work for short periods of time before enhancements have to be made.  Again, it depends on the severity.  In addition to professional medical treatment, I am a firm believer in spiritual guidance.  Too many times doctors are overbooked and are in a hurry and unable to spend the quality time listening to a depressed patient.  A minister, fellow Christian, or licensed counselor are good options.  If the depressed person will allow friends or family to accompany them to counseling sessions it will make it easier for the support system to understand the root of the problems.  If your loved one insists on going alone, allow them to do so, because it is necessary to seek this help.  Still, always follow up to be sure they follow through.

 

Finally, you need to be as encouraging as possible.  A person suffering from depression needs a consistent shoulder to lean on.  I have had relationships with friends in the past where I would actually just call them up and say "you talk and I will just listen."  I would hold the phone and sob, but it helped me to hear the friend just make small talk until I composed myself enough to speak.  It's crucial that you assure your loved one you are not going anywhere.  As a bipolar man, I can tell you that the smallest of incidents can trigger a manic episode for me, so knowing that my closest loved ones are standing firm nearby to love without judgment keeps me safe.

 

I have said many times, emotional pain is more intense and agonizing than any physical ailment I have ever endured.  Your willingness to practice compassion, patience, and encouragement is more than rhetoric.  It's medicine blessed by God and it stays true to His Word.  I hope that you have found some helpful information and encouragement in knowing that your pain is recognized.  Loving and caring for someone who has major depression is draining and frustrating beyone words.  There is hope....you are that hope.  Please let me know if I can help in any way.  You can help me by sharing this article and reaching as many as possible who need to see that glimmer of light in the darkness.  God's favor shines brighter than any personal darkness.

 

Love to you all.

Paradise Perspectve Part III

Most people enjoy vacations.  They work hard in order to do the things they love when they are not on the job.  Some enjoy weekend river retreats, a secluded mountain cabin, or a condo at the beach.  We all need those times in life where we "get away" from the rut and routine we fall into with our jobs and family life.  Every now and then we are fortunate to take one of those BIG trips that are meant to be life changing.  For most of 2012, my trip to the Florida Keys had a major expectation to meet in my personal journey.  I built it up in my mind to accomplish three things.  1)Clear my head and allow myself to de-stress from the tense person I have become in the last year.  2)Provide the inspiration to continue to pursue my dream of becoming a reputable writer and speaker.  3)Strengthen my relationship with my best friends, the people I know who will hold my hand for the rest of my life.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

 

Now that I have returned home from "paradise," in the worldly sense, I can't help but realize that God intended for it to be a spiritual awakening.  I have been on a path of self-destruction.  I haven't controlled my blood pressure, I allow any and everything to trigger my emotional rapid cycling, and I have felt undeserving of the very dreams God placed in my heart.

 

I don't want to impose my religious and spiritual beliefs on anyone, but if you are a better person than I am, you will most likely read my commentary without too much judgment.  For me, I spent many wasted years hard hearted at the Church because I felt like I would never measure up to what mankind wanted me to be.  I wasn't fortunate to hear a lot of preaching on the subject of grace and mercy growing up, so quite honeslty, it took me more than 25 years to believe that I will go to Heaven.  Friends, we will never save the people we love or convince non-believers about Christ's sacrifice by exuding judgment.  I advocate standing up for what you believe in, but it should be done with love and understanding not with hatred and animosity.  I recently engaged in  a political tangent and I hurt someone that I have known my entire life.  It was wrong and it was bullying in every sense of the world.  I should know better, because I have suffered from a lot of bullying in my past.  I am glad that I was able to make that situation right with my friend.

 

God is here to help us through His Word to stay focused and positive about our futures.  Some people are naturally more optimistic than others.  For those of us who struggle with depression and often  see darkeness rather than light, we must cling to something other than our own personal resolve.  Turning to God and the resources He gives me has changed my life immeasurably.  If you include Him in your pursuit of any goal, it will magnify the results.  What do you have to lose, my friends?  What possibly could a person be giving up by allowing God's love to flow freely in our personalities and in our lives.  It doens't make us hypocrites if we stumble.  It makes us human!  Alexander Pope said, "to err is human, to forgive is divine."  Jesus speaks often and eloquently about forgiveness in the New Testament.  His love for us in undeniable.  Relish in that love and forgiveness and strive each day to live better for Him.  Paul writes in his letter to the Romans, "Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord, Jesus Christ," Romans 5:1.  Faith is what you feel in your own heart, not what someone else tells you to feel.

 

I made the decision on this retreat to pursue the seed God planted in my heart to change my life through writing.  I have spent too many years doing what others thought I should do and quite possibly placing more faith in man than God.  Each person has his or her own "demon" that prevents you from realizing your potential, the feeling of contentment, and achieving your destiny.  You must determine what that obstacle is. 

 

Obviously people who have suffered the way that I have in regards to depression and related illness are near and dear to my heart.  Let me say this frankly to you;  it's just like dieting, starting a new relationship, developing a talent, or overcoming a bad habit.....nothing is going to reap success unless you first decide you want to.  Willpower originates in the very body where the disease resides.  I had to determine who the victor was going to be in my life and so do you.

 

Depression is dangerous and it takes millions of lives each year.  Be the blessing that someone else might need.  Be and instrument for God to enhance the melody in your own life or the life of somene else.  Please share this blog.  It is sincere, honest, and it is without shame.  I pray that God blesses each of you and from the bottom of my heart I appreciate your love and continued support.

 

Love to you all.

Paradise Perspective Part II

Paradise Perspective Part II

Strolling along the streets of Key West, Florida you can encounter many things you have never seen before.  I will leave most of that to the imagination, but between the chocolate covered key lime pie on a stick, the tiny electric cars, and historic architecture there is more than meets the eye to this place locals call The Conch Republic and Paradise.  One of the most famous visitors and champions of this cultural island was the magnificent Ernest Hemingway.

It's unlikely one would have gotten through grammar school without hearing about Hemingway.  In later years of high school literature courses and abundantly in college English and creative writing courses, his work dominates curriculum.  Hemingway can be described by many adjectives, but genius is the best description as it pertained to his career.  Not only did he enjoy immense success, he managed his money well and left behind a terrific legacy.

Standing on the wrap around veranda on the second floor of his estate, I couldn't help feeling nervous tension as the tour guide spoke of Hemingway's life long battle with manic depression and Bipolar Disorder.  Of course back then, they just called him crazy.  There are many characteristics I recognized in myself hearing the description of this iconic novelist.  The truth is, he was extremely intelligent to turn his worst demons into passionate works of written art so that generations to come would enjoy his talent. His untimely death at his own hand was a devastating end to a life that still influences so many.

I did however chuckle just a little as the charismatic young tour guide spoke so humorly about Hemingway and is womanizing.  This of course is not something I have ever had trouble with, other than maybe a short bout trying to keep up with buddies at JSU.  I wouldn't call that womanizing as much as "catting."

My biological father was extremely notorious for womanizing and my grandmother, Edith Tommie Gowens sat me down for a real good "talking to" upon my father's death when I was twenty-five.  She asked me to have more respect for others and I thought it was so generous and humble of her to admit the wrongs her son had committed and do her part to prevent me from doing the same thing that left me lonely and aching for my missing father as a young boy.  I have never stopped heeding her words in any relationship, whether friendly or romantic.

So, while Hemingway and I would have never been party buddies, I am in awe of his creativity, craft discipline and motivation.  It's a great life lesson that when you have a talent blessed by God and a dream planted so deep in your heart, you are doing a disservice to yourself, others and most of all to God when you don't use it.  All talents need a little fine tuning and I am certainly working on that.  I am no literary or grammatical artist, but the passion to create a message that might inpsire others to overcome obstacles is deep within my soul.  When God is praised in that endeavor it is bound to generate immeasurable success.

The principles we establish for ourselves and the guidelines in which we pursue success are generally more stringent than what our mates, friends, family and acquaintenances might project on our own lives, but for me, I have a new perspective of patience and tolerance when it comes to accomplishing success.  Success can happen in the smallest and most unepected places.  It doesn't have to appear on a best seller list, on the book club of someone famous, or in the history books of literature.  Success can be changing one life....and it might actually be my own.....

The final part in this perspective series will be posted in a couple of days, it is based on scriptural research on how God can help us keep a positive perspective when we face the "real world" and all those obstacles to prevent us from chasing our dreams.  Stay tuned.

Love to you all.

Paradise Perspective Part I

There is something about sitting in a tropical paradise that makes you appreciate the little moments in life.  Our lives are so full of stress and conflict brought on by our own desire to overachieve.  A wise person once said, "the more you make, the more your spend.  The more you have, the more you want."  At this moment I am sitting at a small wicker table by a crystal blue pool with some of my best friends sitting around me.  A beautiful palm tree is standing behind me and reflecting on my iPad screen.  This is definitely one of those moments where I have all I need.

How does this transfer back to daily life.  What happens when the vacation has ended and we return to "the real world?"  If there is one things I have learned on this exotic retreat, it's the real world is what you make of it.  We plan a "big" vacation every year and this year it was to the Florida Keys.  We started saving our pennies at the first of 2012 and gradually booked the trip.  It's been long awaited and anticipated.  As you venture out on these islands, witness the majestic landscape and absorb the breathtaking sunset over the ocean, there is no doubt this is a gift from God.
I have been troubled lately watching all the political pundits and anti-religious media slandering and trying to erase God from the upcoming Presidential election.  I am not perfect by any means.  I sin every day by making many mistakes.  I indulge in a cocktail or two when I feel like it, and I dance in public if the beat hits me just right.  This completely goes against the fire and brimstone teaching I was accustomed to as a youngster in the Church, but there is a happy medium between radical right and radical left, I am pretty sure the Bible referes to it as moderation.  I just don't understand why more people can't love without judgment and praise without panic.  The same God created us all and will judge each of us.

I have found a great deal of peace and serenity in this place.  Yesterday we went kayaking around one of the outer islands and saw creatures I never dreamed existed.  We walked along beaches and saw beautiful sailboats.  We observed schools of dolphins swimming in sync.  I told my friend Sherry Morgan the day before I left on this trip that I knew I would feel Bertie Mae's(my late grandmother) spirit at the beach and I surely have.  It reminds me of her telling me the beach was her vision of Heaven.  I know she is strolling along the beaches of Heaven waiting for me.
Life is full of burdens, these come naturally and are manifested based on how we respond to their circumstances.  A long term illness, a stressful dead end job, a broken family or relationship, etc., can impare our ability to pursue happiness.  Some of the perspective that I have gained is that God gives us so many opportunities to find happiniess and create joy.  We don't deserve for things to be handed to us.  We don't even deserve the promise of forgiveness and salvation, but He gave it to us out of love.  The very least we can do is look at life as a new opportunity each day and grab hold of these little moments.

Later today I am going to tour Hemingway's house.  He visited and eventually moved to Key West for inspiration for much of his literature.  I am going to soak up this sun, enjoy the great friends God blessed me with and stay on this path to happiness and prosperity.  What are you going to do today?

Love to you all.....

RESCUED: How God Can Mend A Broken Heart

Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  Some may think the relationship between physical demise and a broken heart is only literary fiction from one of Shakespeare’s plays.  Research actually demonstrates there can be a relationship between emotional problems and Cardiomyopathy.  Harvard medical researchers were recently quoted in the Chicago Tribune stating that massive release of stress hormones can cause drastic changes in the hearts blood vessels, temporarily reducing heart function.  The Japanese have also elaborated on this study calling it "Takotsubo's cardiomyopathy," referring to the observation that the heart assumes the shape of a Japanese lobster trap, which is called a "tako tsubo." The patients develop chest pain and shortness of breath. The good news for these patients is that the condition is usually reversible with proper medical care.  It’s good to know this information is available and is taken seriously by the medical field.

Most people who have enjoyed the emotion of true love, whether it is with a family member, romantic partner, or close friend, have been subjected to grief.  The loss of a loved one, either to death or separation is an undisputed cause of the “broken heart.”  People have been suffering a broken heart for ages.  In fact, the Bible well documents the sorrow and pain associated with losing someone.  The prophets even foretold the grief that Jesus would know at the hand of His own people.  Isaiah 53:3 says, “He is despised and rejected by men.  A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.  And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him, He was despised and we did not esteem Him.”

In the New Testament, Matthew 22 quotes Jesus telling that Peter will deny Him three times.  This caused great sorrow and woe to the Savior.  Heartache and emotional pain is an emotion that is unavoidable when you truly love someone.  Death is inevitable and most all of us have experienced that loss, some greater than others.

I learned about death at an early age.  My parents and grandparents didn’t hide things from me or try and protect me from this part of life.  My mother always had a fear of losing the people she loved and that sentiment was certainly passed on to me.  I can’t blame her for living in this fear.  At a young age she lost her father and brother within three months of each other.  It was a devastating time for her family.  Fortunately, my grandmother, Bertie Mae had an incredible resolve about life and death.  She had a wonderful appreciation for God’s comfort.  She taught me that God cares about His children and will always take care of their pain.  Psalm 34:18 tells us “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart…”  He is very aware of how much it hurts.

If we find ourselves in one of these conditions where the stress of grief is not subsiding, how do we seek help from the Father?  Prayer is the best answer for any situation we are facing in life.  The comfort God gives exceeds any relief we might find in another outlet.  God’s comfort surpasses even our own understanding. 

We give each other advice when someone dies.  It is natural to say something like, “time will heal your wounds,” and “it will get easier in time.”  Both of these statements are true and God grants that time and He heals our mind, heart and soul.  The brain is as powerful an organ as the heart.  The two go hand in hand when it comes to emotions.  What we think in our head can definitely make our chest hurt.

Over the last ten years I have come to understand so much more about my struggle with Bipolar Disorder and depression.  It has certainly been a lifelong battle, but several of my manic episodes were triggered by the loss of a loved one.  The most devastated I have been is when Bertie Mae passed away in 2003.  Even though we had a wonderful relationship full of memories and well communicated love, losing her was more than I could stand.  Over the course of several years I endured a lot of therapy, medication, and trial and error to recover.  It was finally God’s hand that put me on the road to recovery.  This is how I know without a shadow of a doubt that God can mend a broken heart.

My Heavenly Father worked through His children to save my life.  He used experiences that my friends had endured to put me on the path to recovery.  My good friend Jean Chappell had been battling depression for over ten years when she recognized my signs and reached out.  If it had not been for her, I would have followed through with suicide plans and I would not have recognized there was a real illness beneath the surface of my emotions.  God positioned my circumstances to evolve in just the right way so that I would accept help. 

I have heard so many people use the excuse that going to Church can’t get you to Heaven.  This may be true for some, but for me it has been the exact edification that I needed to face each obstacle.  Wayne Dunaway, my minister at the Ohatchee Church of Christ, is one of the best spiritual leaders I have ever encountered.  He opened his heart and mind right away to my plight and encouraged me to use the talents that God has given me to improve not only my life, but the life of others.  In the spring of 2007, I spoke for the first time publicly about my diagnosis.  I had experienced symptoms from childhood, but was not diagnosed until my late twenties.  When I stood in front of the congregation and told my story, I was taking as much as 1600mg of Lithium per day to control my mood swings.  In addition to this drug, there were other antidepressants prescribed by various doctors.  As a result, I walked around like a zombie. 

I do support medication as treatment for depression and related mental illness, it is absolutely necessary for some, and trial and error is important.  For me, it only masked the broken heart.  It only covered up symptoms and created additional side effects.  I needed something more long term and more impactful on my brain and my heart.  God was the healer I needed.  Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  This is the healing I needed and so desperately wanted.

Since that first testimony over five years ago, I have developed a blog, worked with a support group, toured other congregations across the southeast, and become a published writer.  God has done more than just heal my heart.  He is using me to be the difference for others.  My brothers and sisters at the Ohatchee church of Christ continue to play a part in my recovery.  My treatment as prescribed by the Father is constant edification and fellowship.  It’s more than just helpful, it’s reassuring and pleasurable.  Friendships are designed to bring joy and love into our lives.  Even though I have since lost my father and then my brother to a tragic accident, I have learned to cope in a different way with this continual blessing of comfort. 

If you are reading this entry and you don’t have this foundation of support in your life, you are the person who needs to make that change.  Perhaps you are reading this for a reason.  You may have to initiate the change that occurs in your own life.  Allow God to work through others and mend your broken heart.  Keep in mind that sometimes God does work through the medical field.  Treatment is different for each person.

Having lived so many years of uncertainty, suffocated by the depression, I had to learn to rebuild my own confidence.  I had to realize that I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.  It does take time to heal and like any negative circumstance you find yourself looking back and reveling in the fact that you endured.  Hebrews 10: 35-36 says it best, “Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the Will of God, you may receive the promise.”

The song, “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted,” lyrics by Jimmy Ruffin, tells the story of “love departed.”  Fortunately the last verse of the song gives a little optimism with the line, “I’ll be looking every day, I know I’ve got to find some way…”  The best place to look is up.  Look up to the Father for the comfort that only He can provide.

Love to all.