The Devil's Snuff Box

I grew up on Cove road, a little country winding trail between the Asberry and Williams communities.  It was in the Roy Webb and Pleasant Valley school districts.  My mother, her sister, and their mother, Bertie Mae, all lived on the same piece of land.  We called it the “same yard.”  Mom, dad and my aunt and uncle worked in the local mills and factories and when they were at work on a first, second, or third shift, my grandmother was there to be the steady guardian of siblings and cousins.  We formed a great bond that remains to this day stronger as cousins than most brothers and sisters.  My grandmother had no problems enforcing her rules and regulations for us, so for the most part we were a well behaved bunch.  The grownups erected a tall fence around “the yard,” so it’s safe to say there was little danger for us.  I remember summer time snakes were prone to crawl up from the surrounding woods, so we had to be careful about playing outside barefoot.  Another warning that came from Bertie Mae, were potentially poisonous mushrooms growing in various spots, which she called “The Devil’s Snuff Box.”

My mother is going to kill me for writing this, but it was not uncommon for the women in my family to dip snuff.  Therefore, a snuff box to me was a common article.  I did find it gross, especially when my Maw Maw Goodwin wanted to chase me down and kiss me after taking a big ole dip.  Bertie Mae didn’t dip snuff, so I am thinking she used the old wives tale about mushrooms being the devil’s snuff box as a way to scare us and to poke fun at other ladies.

Bertie Mae would tell us that the devil planted these giant snuff boxes and whenever they were growing, we needed to be extra careful because he was always lurking about.  Surely, we couldn’t pick or touch one, because it would guarantee he would appear and snatch one of us.  I am not sure how much of these stories my sister and cousins remember, but I took it to heart.

Years later as a teenager, I had a little more confidence, also known as arrogance, and thought I didn’t need my grandmother’s scare tactics about life very much, so I would get on my Dad’s lawn mower and run right over those mushrooms.  Of course the devil never appeared…well, not where I could see him, but she was right, he is always there.

As an adult, I reminded my grandmother of her stories about the devil’s snuff boxes and she told me that her mother had told her the same story years earlier and that some mushrooms could be poisonous and that is why it got its nickname.  She went on to tell me that as an adult I would experience the devil’s snuff boxes at every turn in life and she was so right.  You see, when we are traveling along thinking life is going great, having fun and doing the things we think are right, that’s when out of the beautiful green grass pops up one of those mushrooms.  It equates to sin, temptation, trials, tribulation, etc.  The devil is definitely situated at every point in life, so he can to steal away our innocence.  Just like when we were children, those poisonous mushrooms could make us sick and maybe even do irreparable damage, so can the devil’s influence on our lives as adults. 

When you feel like you are taking one step forward and two steps back, it’s the devil trying to push you down and stop God’s glory from shining in you.  Today I didn’t want to get out of bed.  My heart is heavy and hurting so badly because I miss my brother who was brutally taken from us one year ago today.  We were robbed of the chance to say goodbye or have closure and the pain still lingers.  I have certainly moved forward this year and found joy again and progressed with my life as Tony would have wanted me to do, yet, the devil is not happy with that outcome.  Because I struggle with depression, he wants to use every opportunity, every mushroom in my path, to make me stumble.  Fortunately, God is almighty and all-powerful.  He is stronger than the devil.  He works through his children to encourage us.  My friends call me up, encourage me and keep me motivated.  God makes the sun shine so that we can tell there is a brighter day and that pain and grief will subside.  He promises there will be “no more tears in Heaven.”

I was sitting at my desk, writing in my prayer journal about Tony and tears were streaming down my cheeks.  My mind drifted to the influence Bertie Mae had on all our lives.  I was reminded of the snuff boxes and realized the depression I am battling today is just one of those large poisonous mushrooms of life.  It’s natural to feel loss and to grieve over the sudden death of a loved one, but when we have the promise of salvation and eternity in Heaven, it’s not okay to allow depression to debilitate us. 

I am grateful to have such a comforting and loving Father who knows just what I need all the time.  When you find yourself in one of those paralyzing phases trying to make meaning out of something we can’t possibly understand, just close your eyes and pray for comfort.  His supernatural power is the answer to whatever our crisis may be.  It comes in many forms.  Today, for me, it came in the form of a memory.

My love to you all….watch out for the “devil’s snuff boxes” in your path.

Down But Not Out

Recently I spoke at church about learning to wait on God.  It was an effort to improve my patience.  An attempt at actually developing a little virtue in that department, I have NOT been very successful.  Unfortunately, like most incurable illnesses, depression and bipolar disorder cycles whenever it chooses to.  I have found myself feeling quite defeated in the last couple of weeks.  The difference from where I was ten years or even five years ago is that now I am so public about it, I have taken on accountability for my behavior.  When you are honest with your friends, brethren, loved ones, etc., you have no choice but to “overcome” the symptoms.  I am a victim of what is called rapid cycling.  I have addressed this in previous blogs, but it is the worst of my symptoms in my opinion because it clearly makes me look like a hypocrite.  One week I can stand in a pulpit or on a stage and motivate others to strive harder and to trust in God to overcome depression or any other ailment and then the next week I can be at the lowest of lows.  It’s painful to live this way, it’s embarrassing, but I am not the only one who suffers from a Jekyl/Hyde personality.  It’s more prevalent than people realize.  My embarrassment is for those who know me and trust in me the most.  It’s a feeling that I have let them down.  For me, there is a difference between embarrassment and shame.  I will never be ashamed again to talk openly about depression or its ugly side effects, because too many people are still dying from this cruel disease.

When a person is experiencing rapid cycling, it is essential to identify the factors that caused the onset.  For me, I have been feeling like a failure in my career.  I have a desire to do more, to achieve greater success, but mistakes from the past seem to hang over me like a dark cloud.  Thanks to the advice of friends and brethren in the Church, I am reminded to be thankful in all situations.  A person who has no faith in God has no real purpose or reason to be optimistic about anything.  I have a wonderful relationship with God and I know that He has a terrific plan for me.  I am learning a lesson that I needed to learn right now, and I must command the devil to stop attacking me.  When you are a Christian, God builds on your strengths and the devil builds on your weaknesses.  The devil knows that I have terrible mood swings and he knows how to push my buttons, make me throw a pity party, and waste an entire week of my life in despair.  The fact that I have a significant chemical imbalance, medically proven, just makes matters even worse. 

Whatever troubles you will destroy you when you hold it in.  Over the years I have found that concealing secrets that I was ashamed of caused me great physical and mental pain.  I suffered many years of emotional distraught over my father leaving me as a child.  Instead of reaching out for help or talking about it, I just kept it to myself.  I frustrated my mother by crying all the time and not giving her a reason.  I was bullied in school for seemingly being a “crybaby” or my most hated word, “sissy.”  Holding these feelings of despair in resulted in my digestive system being destroyed.  I had an emergency appendectomy, enlarged lliver, gal bladder removal, Crohn’s Disease, and so on.  Many medical professionals have told me that your mind dumps its troubles right on your stomach.  The point is I have learned as an adult, don’t hold in things that will do you physical or mental harm.

I certainly want to help others who suffer from depression by letting them know they are not alone or weird, deranged, crazy or any of those terrible adjectives used to describe their behavior.  In addition to helping those, I want people in general to see that temporary loss of self-esteem, confidence, or even faith can’t go left untreated.  At the very least we have to treat it ourselves by turning to the Word of God, through prayer, edification from brethren, or a hug and a cup of coffee with a friend.  I have a dear sweet friend who is going through a divorce.  It’s been very traumatic because the marriage lasted for forty years.  She is heartbroken, devastated, miserable, depressed, and truly just aching emotionally.  We sang a song at church a few Sundays ago and it hit a nerve with her and she just had to get up and run out of the building.  God lifted me right up out of my seat and I took off after her.  In the parking lot, she basically collapsed into my arms.  She just needed a hug and someone to hear her out.  She is not crazy, strange, or losing her mind…she is going through a terrible time.  She is not bipolar or having panic disorders, etc., life had dealt her a terrible hand and the devil is doing everything he can to make it worse.  She is strong.  She came to me last week and told me of the progress she is making and the new bond she is building with God to get her through this.  She is an amazing example to everyone who knows her.  I love her with all my heart.  She has chosen to break her silence and let the people around her support her and help her and now she is winning her battle.

As I began to sink deeper this week, my anchors just became stronger.  My friends show up with the full armor of God to help repair where the devil has tried to dent mine.  This is exactly what one must do when they are hurting.  Imagine how much better the world would be if we loved with every ounce of our soul.  If we truly cared about our neighbor, and if we truly loved ourselves enough to say, “I need you” to someone. 

God is all powerful.  He is the controller of the universe and nothing is greater than He.  As His children, we have a privilege to go to Him in prayer through Jesus Christ’s name and express our needs.  Of course we must spend more time thanking God for what he has already done for us, but don’t ever think that He gets tired of us asking for help.  He doesn’t.  I know I can’t give up on myself or my dreams, because that would be letting God down and that just can’t happen.

I am thankful to God and all the wonderful people He has placed in my life to teach me there is a better way to battle and win.  Someday, I know He will bless me with the opportunity to give back and help others the way I have been rescued.  Please reach out and help those you love.  If you want something in your life to get better, try helping someone else and see just how God rewards you.  If you agree, please share this entry, I appreciate all your support.  Love to you all.