When I was first able to put a label on my condition and
realize there was something medically wrong with me, it was a relief to a
certain extent. I felt as if it was the
first step to recovery knowing that manic depression and bipolar disorder was
recognized as a legitimate medical and mental illness and that I was not the
only one who suffered from it. Something
deep inside me knew as I was going from doctor to doctor and trying various
medications that the largest dose I needed was from God. I felt it deep in my gut that if I truly
wanted to get better I had to enhance my relationship with the Lord. I didn’t accomplish this until years later.
When we first encounter major obstacles in life, it is human
nature to feel doubt. We put on our
pessimistic wardrobe and start preparing for the worst. It’s like retreating to the safe room in the
house where the can goods, bottled water and flashlights are stored. We immediately think about hunkering down and
waiting out the storm instead of thinking positive and realizing that God will
help us rise above the circumstances. I
use the term pessimistic wardrobe because instead of suiting up to be my best
with the full armor of God, I wore the droopy face, the sad eyes, and really
didn’t care what I looked like. It’s a
vicious cycle that will continue as long
as you allow it to.
I have said many times that when I would come out of a manic
episode I would look back on my thoughts of suicide, emptiness and helplessness
and think it was silly. I would judge
myself more critically than any other person ever could. When people ask me how do I have the courage
to talk about everything I have felt and put it out there so publicly I tell
them it’s because no person could be harder on me than I have been on
myself. Doubt consumed me for many
years. It truly stole years of happiness
and productivity from my life. Finally I
began to understand how to love God more, love myself better, and remove myself
from negative environments. I found the
edification I needed from my church family, the love I needed from my
companions, and the support from my family.
Each experience that we go through where there is
disappointment and heartache is preparing us for something down the road. It may be more tribulation or on the positive
side it may be such a wonderful experience that you wouldn’t cherish it as much
had you not suffered hard times in the past.
One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves is to turn doubt into determination.
This is a life principle that doesn’t only apply to people
who suffer from depression or related illnesses. We all struggle with controversy and
strife. It may be financial difficulty,
relationship problems, challenges with our children, or other medical
problems. It could be a flailing career
or the fact that we can’t even find a job.
It is so easy to resort to doubt and start believing that our hopes and
dreams will never come true. “I am too
old,” we tell ourselves. “I don’t have
the education to keep up with the technology,” and so on. We must keep reminding ourselves that God is
supernatural. His power is so much
greater than the odds that might be stacked against us. Wow…let me say that again. God’s power is so much greater than the odds
that might be stacked against us. When
we trust in Him and believe in His power, all things are possible, not just
some, but all.
I am approaching forty years old. The next two weeks will be my last in my
thirties. I haven’t accomplished near
what I want to in life and as I said before, I feel like many years were stolen
from me because of doubt and depression.
I am thrilled and excited about the future. It’s never too late for God. In His plan there are no limitations that
dreams can only come true in your twenties and thirties. In His plan, my future success can and will
be much greater than the circumstances I am living in now. We can pray for success to outweigh any
failure we have ever had. God delivers
to the determined. He wants us to brag
on Him and lead others to His kingdom and He will reward us for doing so.
When you are young people constantly tell you how you will
feel differently once you get older and you will then be giving the same advice
to the younger generation. I used to
hate hearing people tell me “oh you will really get the meaning of this once
you mature.” I had a selfish
disposition. Now I completely understand
and I wish I had the power to get people to believe me if they are bogged down with
depression or guilt. It will get better
if you put God first and allow Him to lead you out of the darkness. I have no shame for what I have suffered
because if the Father needs to use me as a vehicle to prevent others from
feeling that pain, then His will be done.
Stop doubting and be determined through your faith that tomorrow is a
brighter day and so is the next and the next.
I challenge you to pray for change. Pray for your dreams to come true and praise
God every day for the little victories and progress you make. Thank Him for the one, two , three people
that believe in you and support you.
Thank Him for the people who don’t support you because it keeps you
grounded and keeps you trying to do your best.
Give praise and glory every day to the man upstairs whose power is so
amazing and divine it can move mountains and change hearts.
I ask you to be determined with me. You pray for me and I will certainly pray for
you. Let’s focus on what God is doing
for us right now and what He wants to do for us in the future and eliminate the
doubt that is trying to anchor itself around our feet and hold us back from
climbing higher in life. God loves all
His children and those who love Him. I
love you as well and appreciate your friendship and support. Please share your comments on Facebook and
share the blog with the people you love in an effort to manifest determination
over doubt. Love to you all.
