Most Wonderful Time Of Year...or not?

I want to preface this blog entry with a reminder that I am not a licensed counselor or mental health professional…..I’m a daily survivor of Bipolar/Manic Depression.  My thoughts are based on personal experiences and observations.  I consider myself to be a student of mental health and an advocate.  I  study and write about depression in order to enhance my own quality of life by trying to understand my disease.  Therefore, I hope some of the information in this blog will help you if you are dealing with a form of depression or an emotional setback this season.

Why am I so happy right now?  If you know me on a personal or professional level at all, you know that I am up and down emotion/mood-wise.  I can be happy and sad in the same day and often I have one of those anger flaws where I can “go zero to sixty” very fast.  However, for a while now, I have been mostly happy and stable.  There are several factors that have contributed to my general state of contentment and I’ll get into some of those later, but I can tell you that it is a little odd for a person like me who battles depression intensely to find joy this time of year.  Nevertheless, I have and I will give you my insights as to how you can maybe put your grief, missing loved ones, general disdain for the holidays aside and find some cheer.

Grief Keeps People From Loving Christmas

Most people would agree that depression during Christmas is generally related to the loss of loved ones, missing their presence when family gathers, or becoming melancholy while reminiscing about previous years with deceased loved ones.  I have and continually experience this as well.  I think it is probably harder when you have a loved one that you lost during the holiday season.  There is no possible way to put these thoughts or despair out of your mind, but depression keeps us from thinking clearly and putting life and death into perspective.  This is why it is important to be proactive going into the holidays.  For lack of a letter illustration, we have to “psych ourselves up” for what’s ahead.  Sit down at the beginning of the season and write a letter to or about your loved one.  Tell them how you miss them, what you remember most about the holidays you spent together, and how you plan to celebrate this year.

It may sound silly, but we have to stay in charge of our minds.  If we are proactive and target our stimulators before they can target us, we will be more successful.  Sometimes I find myself just lamenting a mood swing.  It’s like a voice in my head saying “next week I am going to get depressed because it’s the anniversary of my Dad’s death, etc.” I do things like this all the time.  I will worry myself sick leading up to that day.  When I can think straight, I have learned to deal with it the first time it pops in my mind.  Oh yeah, I have that date coming up….so I will sit down and write in my journal about it.  I’ll talk to God and even talk to my Dad or whomever I am thinking of, just to get in front of those emotions instead of underneath them.  It doesn’t always work 100% of the time, but it has helped me to stabilize for sure.  Proactive is my new keyword for 2015…..:0)

Nothing Says Stress Like Christmas Shopping

Can I just tell you that I have spent money like crazy on Christmas for most of my adult life?  I have been so wasteful that it is sad to think about the amount of money trying to make others happy.  We all do it.  We have taken an innocent and sincere tradition of exchanging gifts and developed it into the most narcissistic, entitled, and rotten thing we do as humans.  The stress associated with Christmas shopping is enough to bring the strongest to their knees.  Think about it folks, we spend 10 months out of the year on a budget, barely making ends meet at times, trying to save for rainy days, squeezing in vacations to keep ourselves sane, etc., then November/December rolls in and we start spending 2x or 3x our normal monthly budgets.  It can give you an ulcer.

Children are the greatest gift in the world.  I raised one and I spoiled him every year at Christmas…every year!  I was also spoiled as a child at Christmas.  My parents went over and above each year.  It made me feel entitled and obligated as an adult, so for years I spent hundreds of dollars, maybe even thousands beyond what I really could afford.

It sounds cliché’ when we reference the true meaning of Christmas and how it should not be based on gifts, etc, but lets face it we are human.  There is no way to cut out gift giving at Christmas, but there is a way to cut back.  You have no idea how obsessed and worried I used to be about buying gifts for people, and I finally had to let that go.  I don’t let anything go!  If I can dial back my holiday spending and learn to concentrate more on spiritual and emotional aspects of the holidays, then I believe that anyone can. 

If your family is having a hard time financially you probably feel obligated to match or beat what you did in previous years for your kids.  It can ruin your entire experience with Christmas.  It makes you dislike other people, rude to service workers, and you can develop a begrudging attitude toward those you love.  Is it really easier for you to go through this than to sit down with your family and make some adjustments?  As hard as it is to do, I think we all need to sit down with our kids and have a discussion about decreasing the sense of entitlement we have taught the younger generation.

I have a friend who started a tradition with her kids a few years ago and it has become the thing they look forward to the most rather than gifts.  Beginning December 1 and leading up to Christmas, they sit down at the end of each day in front of the Christmas tree and read a Christmas story/book together.  Dad, Mom, and the two kids all participate and they look forward to the book, story each day.  Mom spends time in November (instead of Christmas shopping) downloading Christmas books or stories online, inexpensive iBook or Amazon books, etc., mostly spending $1.99 to $3.99 per download.   On the weekend, this family then snuggles up together under a blanket and watches a Christmas movie on Netflix. 

Of course my friend and her husband still go to family gatherings and buy presents for the kids, but they have been able to change the attitudes of their kids to concentrate more on planning their family readings/movie watching rather than obsessing over the latest technology, or toys.  They look forward to the special time together.

Stress is one of those factors in life that truly can only be changed by the individual.  Don’t get mad at me for saying this…but we are in charge of our own situation.  I have had to learn to start making changes and focus my energy on putting my feet to those changes instead of just complaining.  I am trying to do better and by also taking my concerns, struggles to God in prayer, He is blessing me with perspective.

Back To Why I am Happy

I need you all to understand that I give God the credit for every ounce of my joy and happiness.  He has lifted me from the lowest of lows in life and worked through you, my friends and loved ones to change my situation and outlook.  My good friend and boss, JR is always saying that he believes God brings us into each other’s lives right when we are needed the most.  I agree with this observation completely and I am grateful to all of you who support, encourage, and champion those around you.

I am being proactive this season.  I have been posting Christmas decorating pictures from my home, planning special meals or gatherings with loved ones, and a lot of writing in my journals.  I am working to set myself up for success and I hope you will do the same. 

I do not ever mean to diminish or disregard your grief during this time of year at all, but we all know that we can’t change the past and we can’t bring our loved ones back.  What we can do is celebrate and acknowledge their lives, our memories, and the fact that we are one day closer to a joyous reunion thanks to our Savior. 

I am wishing each and everyone one of you a wonderful and joy-filled Christmas season.  I am always open to discussion about depression or other mental health issues and I believe confiding in one another and asking for prayer is a great first step toward recovery and a better quality of life.

Love to you all….

A Demon Called Discontent

I would like to preface this blog by saying that I am grateful to God for allowing me to grow, mature, and understand the innerworkings of my mind and how I deal with my mood swings.  I don't think anyone can ever truly get to the root of what causes us to experinece so many emotional swings, without growth and maturity.  We chalk it all up to "chemical imbalances," take our meds and go on our way.  As I learn to meditate more on God's Word and document my ups and downs, it helps me to understand my body and mind more.  Thank you Lord for helping me to gain more patience and perspective with myself and with others.  I attribute this growth to the continued development of my spiritual and prayer life.

As human beings we constantly sabotage ourselves.  There is no greater enemy against achieving our goals than the person staring at you in the mirror.  I know this from experience and talking with others.  It is fact.  Human nature causes us to procrastinate, make excuses and feel discontent.  Have you ever accomplished something really big in your life only to feel dissatisfied the next day and wonder what is next?  What do I have to look forward to now?  One of the symptoms of my battle with Bipolar Disorder is that I rarely feel content.  I am always searching or "dreaming" for something more.  For many years I have called it my biggest character flaw.  I realize now that it is more than that and will take greater effort on my part and guidance from my Heavenly Father.

Character flaws can be corrected.  You just have to truly arrive at a point of repentance for this behavior, right?  Easier said than done.  I've had this "flaw" from the time I was old enough to speak.  Grandiose plans and vivid illustrations of my future were a normal part of my conversation with others even as a young boy.  My family and friends would just laugh and say "sure Robby."  The older we get, the more embarrassing it can be to be known as the person who is always "gonna do this or gonna do that."

I have aged and been burned so to speak by my own predictions, ideas, and unrealistic plans.  I realize that this burden is more than a character flaw or sin.  I can't just pray it away without doing the work.  I can't just ask forgiveness and move on without making a change.  There's a lot of grief in discontent.  It breeds depression on its own without the help of any outside influence.  Sitting by a beautiful pool on a hot summer day sounds pretty relaxing right?  It is unless you spend the entire time daydreaming about one day when you can live at the beach, a hammock tied between palm trees, and the sound of the waves rushing in.  This is a simple illustration and there is nothing wrong with occasionally daydreaming about living at the beach, but when a person's mind will not allow them to enjoy real life moments without dreaming of more, it can be torture.  An unfulfilled life is a sad life.

In the scriptures God instructs us not to covet what belongs to our neighbor.  Covetousness is a serious aspect of discontent.  A person who is discontent will never appreciate what they have because they are too busy wanting what someone else has.  Sounds like a bad character flaw?  The truth is if we all are honest with ourselves, we have a little bit of that inside of us.  For me, it comes in cycles.  Cycles that I don't seem to know how to control.  I know that I have struggled with contentment my entire life and I know it comes and goes just like my sad, happy, and angry moods.
Technology allows us to keep up with famous celebrities and capture moments of their lives every day through social media.  Take it from me, it can be very self destructive when we lose touch with reality by getting roped into reality TV.  I think with every passing year we become more and more of an "I want" society.  I wasn't raised in that environment.  I was raised in humble surroundings by parents and grandparents who worked hard and sacrificed much to gain little materially.  Ah, but they understood the Ultimate Reward was Heaven.

Spiritually, how can we grow as human beings and achieve contentment to the point that our mind doesn't torture our bodies by always wanting more?  Prayer is the first step, but there must be action that follows.  The devil is smart like a fox and he knows which buttons to push.  For those of us who have mental obstacles to overcome, it is no different.  The devil will use our illness to maximize our pain and suffereing.  Do you see that?  Medication is certainly necessary for many who suffer from mental illness, but the only real way to keep the devil from causing irrepreable damage to your life is with the full armor of God.  The devil is no match for God.  He's weak in the face of our Creator.

I have learned to put the following action plan into affect when I recognize I am struggling with discontent:
1.  Pray to God and ask forgiveness for anything I may have done to onset my struggle and ask for guidance and protection against the devil and his treachery.

2. Meditate and remind myself that EVERYTHING on the earth is temporary.  Material things can be gone in a flash and the ultimate reward is eternity in Heaven.  So few people in this world truly get that and it's a blessing for those of us who do.

3.  Recently I have learned the best way for me to snap out of a phase of discontent is to do something special for someone else.  There is great truth to the theory that someone else is always suffering more than you are.  Regardless of the gestrue, act of friendship, or simple prayer, doing something for someone less fortunate or going through a harder time than you just put things in perspective.  Life is all about having the right perspective.

4.  Finally, I document everything in my journal.  In my opinion, documentation is critical in gaining control of your mental health.  You may think you will remember everything, what caused a cycle, what you said and did, how you pulled out of it, but you won't.  You can't possibly, so write it down.  I write everything down.

God wants to bless us as His children.  There is nothing wrong with wanting more out of life than you have or achieving what might seem impossible to some.  For people like myself, we just have to find that healthy balance.

I pray that your experiences or those of your loved ones who may suffer will lead to a greater Godly plan.  Even if you don't have a regular battle with depression or other mental health issues, we all can learn a lesson on contentment.  Please share with your loved ones and let's all keep encouragning and praying for each other.  I welcome and appreciate your feedback.  Love to you all...

Where's The Switch

Yesterday I was winding down from my long day and decided to see what I could find on Netflix.  I love movies.  They tend to inspire me to be creative, especially a good story.  I also really enjoy a great documentary so as I was looking through the list I saw the title for Iron Lady starring Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher.  Well if you are my age or older then you know what a pivotal role in history Mrs. Thatcher played.  I have read several books about her and loved this film.  She was a great Prime Minister. 

The story focuses a great deal on Thatcher’s life after the death of her husband.  She grew older and feeble and began to have hallucinations.  In these visions she had conversations with her late husband, Denis.  Finally noticing that she was hallucinating and closely being watched by her caregivers she began to attempt silencing her husbands voice.  She went through her home turning on blenders, radios, televisions, mixers, etc.  “If I can’t hear you then you are just not here,” she said.

This scene resonated with me in a different way.  When I lay down at night, my mind will not stop racing.  I over-worry about every detail of my job, my life, and the lives of people I love.  It’s a life-long habit.  Worry is very chronic for me.  It’s just part of who I am.  I generally “put myself to bed” about 10PM each evening.  If I am lucky, I will fall asleep somewhere after 11, but many nights it is early the next morning before I truly fall into sleep.  Thoughts race through my mind as if I am a cross platform in the Subway.  I toss and turn trying to interrupt the thought process.  I even use a method of “stop thinking” where I actually say a random word out loud to change what I am thinking.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  It’s just another symptom of my disease.  Where is the switch to turn off my mind?

I try and look at each of the idiosyncrasies of my personality and character and focus more on the positive.  I am a high functioning Bipolar.  It can be done.  It would be easy to allow things like reduced sleep, limited REM cycles, etc. to prevent me from going to work each day and being successful, but I don’t.  I have enjoyed a full time career now for 24 years and I consider that to be a magnificent blessing and accomplishment.  Millions of Americans who share my diagnosis and symptoms are low functioning and are not able to work or support themselves.  What is different about me?

I certainly can’t speak for and do not want to criticize other manic depressive patients, but I can share my secret to success.  It has taken years to embrace and I enjoy talking about The Lord my Healer.  It came through prayer.  God showed me the way to build a support team.  I gave my life and my struggles to Him a long time ago and since then, even with trips and falls, I am able to progress.

Once again, this is meant to motivate others not criticize:

1.     God is my main Therapist.  I love to journal so it just makes sense for me to write letters to God.  I do it every morning and many nights.  I tell him all of my thoughts, including those nagging worries.  He listens.  He directs me with my conscience.  He makes things happen for me just like He does every Christian who kneels in prayer.  Every step after this one is designed by and blessed by the Heavenly Father.  He showed me the path.

2.     Compassionate Circle.  A depressed individual is a lonely person.  It’s a condition that makes a person very narcissistic and causes a feeling of being lost at sea with no raft.  This is where an essential dose of friendship and love is the prescription.  My compassionate circle is made of family and friends who know everything there is to know about me. They may not like my decisions or behavior sometimes, they certainly don’t understand particular actions or mood swings, but they still hold my hand.  I have more than my share of shoulders to lean on.  Next to God, they are the main reason I am high functioning.

3.     Non-negotiable Elements.  We all have things in life that we are simply not willing to compromise on.  That’s good.  It’s important to stand for what you believe in.  For me, success is a must.  I will not negotiate in that area.  I come from a long line of workaholics.  My grandparents were cotton farmers along Highway 21 just north of Jacksonville.  My mother, aunts and uncles only went to school after the harvest, because picking cotton supported their family.  Mom and Dad raised my siblings and I by working in the cotton mills across Calhoun County.  Hard physical labor is all they knew.  Work is in my genetics just as much as blue eyes and a pug nose!

 I have what many would call a desk job, but the work ethic remains the same.  I actually probably put in twice as many hours than most blue-collar positions because my mind is constantly turning and churning.  Retirement is not an option for me.  Aside from the financial aspect, sedentary behavior is never beneficial for a manic-depressive.  I am also blessed to work for a fellow Christian who cares for me, recognized my talent, and guides me through my challenges.  I truly believe that goes back to #1 on my list, “God is my main therapist.”  He knows how much career means to me; therefore a way has been made.

I have spent many years looking for the switch to turn the racing thoughts off in my mind.  There are plenty of medications that will do it for a while, but learning to cope and focus on the positive aspects is really what gets me through those terrible rapid cycles.  Positivity is truly your life raft in that open sea.  Concentrating on the fact that your battle has already been won will keep you from drowning. 

We all need sleep and I continually pray for and pursue exercises and options for mentally shutting my brain off at night and getting the much needed sleep.  I don't allow it to defeat me and I trust that God will allow me to use my experiences to help others.  Every symptom I endure can be handled by God and my circle, yours can too!

I don’t know a Christian out there who hasn’t faced tribulation.  We all do, but because He listens and answers, we progress.  Seriously, there is absolutely no way to lose as a Christian.  Whether you have cancer, blindness, addiction, material poverty, or any other attack from Satan; victory has been claimed by Jesus Christ.  It’s not a cliché’ or a gimmick, faith is spiritual medicine and it belongs in every treatment plan. 

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Love to you all.

Depression: A Mind and Mood Matter Part III

Depression:  A Mind and Mood Matter

Part III

March 2, 2014

Make Your Doctor Listen

Do you ever feel like your doctor doesn’t listen?  We all know that physicians are extremely busy.  Each of us have most likely had an experience sitting in a crowded waiting room while a limited staff does all they can to herd patients in and out like cattle.  The doctor rushes in when you are lucky enough to make it to the exam room.  He/She quickly flips through your file and you are thinking, “they must be speed readers.  How can they remember everything about me?”  Maybe you are like me and you have seen the same medical doctor for 29 years?  However, my trips to Psychiatrists could be likened to a roller coaster ride.  I want to share some of those experiences and stress the importance in this blog of insisting that your doctor listen to every word you speak. 

A patient can’t go into a doctor’s office and say “I have a mass in my abdomen and I think I am dying of cancer,” and expect the doctor not to run a battery of tests and attempt to rule cancer out.  Right?  We also can’t self-diagnose.  Many illnesses share the same symptoms.  This is so true for mental illness.  As I have said before, Depression and Bipolar Disorder have such common or notable symptoms that it would be easy for a medical professional to misdiagnose if they don’t have all the information.  According to Wikipedia, there are 189 different types of mental disorders…of course they share many of the same symptoms.

Before taking control of my illness I bounced around to several Psychiatrists in Calhoun, Etowah and Jefferson Counties.  I will not name any names on this blog, because I do not want to disparage anyone, but let me share a very scary experience with a Psychiatrist in Anniston.  I was having a particularly difficult time and had been making very impulsive decisions.  One of those was to try a brand new doctor without stopping the medication I was already on.  It was a poor decision on my part and one that I fortunately was able to “live” to regret, but it was a close call.  Five minutes in the man’s chair and he pulled out a prescription pad.  As far as I know he had not reviewed the current medication list on my new patient paperwork.  He prescribed Geodon, an anti-psychotic drug for those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder.  Once again, he didn’t pay attention to the medications I was currently taking.  It was haphazard of him.  I made the mistake of not insisting that I stop other meds, or clarify that it would be okay to mix them, but every time I tried to speak, he just cut me off or I felt he was not really listening.

The combination of Geodon, 1600mg of Lithium per day, Prozac, and Xanax was almost lethal to my body.  I literally had to crawl to bed within 20 minutes after taking the drug.  Certainly it takes a little time to adjust, and I will address that a little later, but my side effects were unbearable.  I became very dizzy, nauseated, and paranoid.  Tremors and hallucinations lasted throughout the night.  I went to work the next day and felt like a zombie.  I repeated the process that night and had the same outcome.  I called my medical doctor and never went back to see the Anniston quack again.  Again, my side effects where not mild…they were extremely intense.  My family doctor started treating me at age 13 and he was furious with me for randomly picking a new Psychiatrist and not being strong enough to recognize the danger in that situation.

Dr. Ingram explained to me that a proper mental illness diagnosis comes after many conversations, documentation of behavior, symptoms, etc.  He did teach me that trial and error is necessary with any anti-depressants and I accept this.  Most of us have experienced the need to allow new medications to work into our system.  It truly takes about 2-3 weeks for your body and chemical make-up to adjust when adding a new script.  Those 2-3 weeks are crucial.

Patients will face many different side effects because we are all made differently.  You and I will never experience 100% of the same outcome from our meds.  We have to be resolved to give ample time within reason.  Clearly, the anti-psychotic medication was not right for me in combination with that much Lithium and other drugs.  I have however had to learn to put up with a few uncomfortable symptoms over the years when starting new meds.  Prozac used to make me want to pick at my clothes, bite my fingernails, even get down on the floor and just tear at the carpet.  The best way I can describe the feeling is that I just couldn’t stand myself during that time.  I hated being in my own skin. 

The Mayo Clinic released a study in 2008 stating that patients can have increased thoughts of suicide during the first two weeks of starting new meds.  I was talking with my friend Tracy who is an R.N., and we came to this conclusion:

            A person is often so depressed they don’t have the mental capacity, willpower, energy, or even fight in them to harm themselves.  They can barely get out of bed at times. We can be emotionally paralyzed to the point that it’s almost a physical paralysis.  So when that person starts a new medication that is truly going to help improve their health, the middle ground between rock bottom and “quality of life” can give the energy and drive to execute a plan of suicide.  Feeling better isn’t always that much better when you are referencing being on rock bottom with depression.  A person who has contemplated suicide has to improve quite a lot to remove that idea from their daily thought process.  Therefore many professionals recommend and even insist that patients do not live alone while trying new meds.

My friend Lu Anne was encouraging me last week and telling me how proud she is that I have kept my career going and been able to function in society so much better than many people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder or other illnesses.  I feel lucky and I feel blessed.  God knows that my career and my friends keep me going.  I have been at that place many times where I wanted to just give up and I didn’t believe that I could get out of bed and go to work.  Fortunately, I have never had to give serious thought to disability.  I am not saying that I never will, and clearly have enough history documented that I could, but part of living for me is working.  It’s in my DNA.  My mother is 70 years old and has already retired from 35 years in a cotton mill and is now 11 years into her second career.  She recently suffered two heart attacks and lives with a total of eleven stents.  She continues to work.  And so will I. 

I want to empower you with my words.  I want you to know that if you are fighting a mental illness the way I have and still am, you can be in control and you should be.  Your support team needs to read this blog and understand that you have to be truthful at every visit to the doctor.  You need to document every symptom and hold nothing back.  Medicine is evolving in regards to mental illness just as it is with heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer, etc.  The more information you give your medical professional the more accurately they can treat you.  Hold him/her accountable.  Keep a notebook or journal and ask lots of questions.  An improper diagnosis can be extremely detrimental to the patient and the family.

Regarding treatment, the other obstacle that I have struggled with is that your body becomes immune to certain dosages of some medications after a time.  Your doctor may even alter the dosage every three months.  Once you find a great medical professional, stick with them.  Find the one you can trust who will take the time, maintain great records, and can be easily reminded of past experiences or episodes you may have suffered.  You deserve every chance to beat this monster.  We all do!

I am grateful to God for giving me the path to my recovery and for showing me the way to share my experiences in order to hopefully change the stigma or eliminate the shame and help others.  Please share this blog with those you love.

Love to you all…