Ona Lee

I have several friends that have mentioned to me this week how they are missing their mother, especially this time of year.  There are many clichés about mothers being your best friend, mama’s boy, father knows best and mother knows everything, etc.  A mother is truly a gift from God.  There are many great stories about mothers in the Bible detailing women rearing their sons and daughters to serve God.  We all have amazing stories to share about the most important women in our lives.  God gave me the talent to write and my mother has supported me all these years.  I can't think of a better way to honor her than to tell her story.

From an early age, Ona Lee Cochran had one dream and one dream only; she wanted to be a mother.  Growing up in a poor cotton farming family, hard work was absolutely necessary.  The Cochran family farmed along highway 21 between Jacksonville and Piedmont.  Father, Mother and six children, all two years apart, worked diligently every day in the worst heat picking until their fingers bled.  Even though she didn’t always get along with her siblings, my mother loved family.  Still to this day she loves hosting loved ones for Sunday dinner.  There was not much space in their four room house, but being close with your family is something my Mom has always cherished.

The Cochran children were not allowed to attend school in the fall because the harvest would come in, so this resulted in my mother being a couple of grades behind her peers.  Unfortunately with most poor farming families, education could not be a priority.  She did the best she could do at Roy Webb School and truly loved her teachers, Vanda and Vester Holder.  She is still close friends with them today.

After leaving school my mother had no choice but to go to work in the local cotton mill because her father and youngest brother were diagnosed with cancer.  In the fall and winter of 1964 she would lose them both only four months apart.  During this tragic time in her life she met my father while working.  He courted her just a few short months and became very close friends with her family.  They married in December, 1964.  It was a definite culture shock for my mother to be separated from her family and to have strangers from my father’s family around her.  Still, she loved him deeply and was excited about their future.

It took my mother eight years before she would have her first born child.  I was born in the spring of 1972 and many people around her said she was the happiest mother ever.  Her dream had finally come true.  She mothered several of her nieces and nephews over the years and spoiled them greatly, but nothing compared to her own son.  We enjoyed a very close bond.  I have always known that my mother would do anything for me.  She has always held my heart and I hers. 

Sadly, when I was two years old, my father left us and my mother had to work multiple jobs just to keep a roof over our head and food on the table.  She worked in terrible conditions in factories that even men did not want to work in.  She relied on her work ethic, drive, and morals as a foundation for building a new future.  Fortunately, God knew we needed a great blessing so in 1975 my stepfather entered our lives.  It was a new beginning for my mother and she would walk hand in hand with him for thirty years.  She gained a wonderful stepson in the marriage and in 1977 saw the birth of her youngest child, a daughter.  We had a great family and even though we experienced many ups and downs, the road was much easier than what she encountered in her past.  Many times my mother would tell me that I changed everything for her.  She has always cherished me that way and tells everyone I am her rock.

My mother taught me to be respectful to women.  Her situations were a great example to me and demonstrated that a woman deserved to be honored and cherished, not forsaken.  I have been blessed with wonderful female friends over the years and I believe it is because of the attributes my Mom and grandmother taught me. 

My mother loved her mother.  She cared for her in her later years as if she were the queen.  There is no doubt that my mother suffered great pain and anguish when my grandmother left this world, but I know that today my mother has more peace and joy, knowing that she will spend eternity with her.

My stepfather fell ill with cancer in 2004.  The doctors diagnosed him as stage four and sent him home to die.  My mother refused to accept it and together we found a special hospital in Illinois to fight his type of cancer.  One of the hardest days of my life was leaving my parents in Illinois for three months of treatment.  Neither of them had ever been that far from home, had never flown on a plane, or been away from their children.  Still, I have never seen anyone stand up and for someone else the way my mother did for my father.  He lived almost a year longer than doctors had originally said.  He enjoyed that last year, made his life right with God and truly lived the best quality he could, because of her.  In the end, I know God looked down on her as a wife and said, “well done.”

My mother has always been a spiritual woman but not always “religious.”  She has a hard time being social and is intimidated by crowds and strangers.  She has always felt inferior to others.  I believe it goes back to her days in school and feeling like she was less than some of the other families in the community.  Finally, in 2010, I sat in the sanctuary at our church and watched as my mother made the good confession and was baptized into God’s kingdom.  It was and is a great feeling to know that I will spend eternity as Ona Lee’s son.

I found this beautiful quote and I think it sums up a mother’s love:

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. - Washington Irving

Happy Mother’s Day and love to you all.

Turning Doubt Into Determination

When I was first able to put a label on my condition and realize there was something medically wrong with me, it was a relief to a certain extent.  I felt as if it was the first step to recovery knowing that manic depression and bipolar disorder was recognized as a legitimate medical and mental illness and that I was not the only one who suffered from it.  Something deep inside me knew as I was going from doctor to doctor and trying various medications that the largest dose I needed was from God.  I felt it deep in my gut that if I truly wanted to get better I had to enhance my relationship with the Lord.  I didn’t accomplish this until years later.

When we first encounter major obstacles in life, it is human nature to feel doubt.  We put on our pessimistic wardrobe and start preparing for the worst.  It’s like retreating to the safe room in the house where the can goods, bottled water and flashlights are stored.  We immediately think about hunkering down and waiting out the storm instead of thinking positive and realizing that God will help us rise above the circumstances.  I use the term pessimistic wardrobe because instead of suiting up to be my best with the full armor of God, I wore the droopy face, the sad eyes, and really didn’t care what I looked like.  It’s a vicious cycle that will continue as long as you allow it to.

I have said many times that when I would come out of a manic episode I would look back on my thoughts of suicide, emptiness and helplessness and think it was silly.  I would judge myself more critically than any other person ever could.  When people ask me how do I have the courage to talk about everything I have felt and put it out there so publicly I tell them it’s because no person could be harder on me than I have been on myself.  Doubt consumed me for many years.  It truly stole years of happiness and productivity from my life.  Finally I began to understand how to love God more, love myself better, and remove myself from negative environments.  I found the edification I needed from my church family, the love I needed from my companions, and the support from my family.

Each experience that we go through where there is disappointment and heartache is preparing us for something down the road.  It may be more tribulation or on the positive side it may be such a wonderful experience that you wouldn’t cherish it as much had you not suffered hard times in the past.  One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves is to turn doubt into determination.

This is a life principle that doesn’t only apply to people who suffer from depression or related illnesses.  We all struggle with controversy and strife.  It may be financial difficulty, relationship problems, challenges with our children, or other medical problems.  It could be a flailing career or the fact that we can’t even find a job.  It is so easy to resort to doubt and start believing that our hopes and dreams will never come true.  “I am too old,” we tell ourselves.  “I don’t have the education to keep up with the technology,” and so on.  We must keep reminding ourselves that God is supernatural.  His power is so much greater than the odds that might be stacked against us.  Wow…let me say that again.  God’s power is so much greater than the odds that might be stacked against us.  When we trust in Him and believe in His power, all things are possible, not just some, but all.

I am approaching forty years old.  The next two weeks will be my last in my thirties.  I haven’t accomplished near what I want to in life and as I said before, I feel like many years were stolen from me because of doubt and depression.  I am thrilled and excited about the future.  It’s never too late for God.  In His plan there are no limitations that dreams can only come true in your twenties and thirties.  In His plan, my future success can and will be much greater than the circumstances I am living in now.  We can pray for success to outweigh any failure we have ever had.  God delivers to the determined.  He wants us to brag on Him and lead others to His kingdom and He will reward us for doing so.

When you are young people constantly tell you how you will feel differently once you get older and you will then be giving the same advice to the younger generation.  I used to hate hearing people tell me “oh you will really get the meaning of this once you mature.”  I had a selfish disposition.  Now I completely understand and I wish I had the power to get people to believe me if they are bogged down with depression or guilt.  It will get better if you put God first and allow Him to lead you out of the darkness.  I have no shame for what I have suffered because if the Father needs to use me as a vehicle to prevent others from feeling that pain, then His will be done.  Stop doubting and be determined through your faith that tomorrow is a brighter day and so is the next and the next.

I challenge you to pray for change.  Pray for your dreams to come true and praise God every day for the little victories and progress you make.  Thank Him for the one, two , three people that believe in you and support you.  Thank Him for the people who don’t support you because it keeps you grounded and keeps you trying to do your best.  Give praise and glory every day to the man upstairs whose power is so amazing and divine it can move mountains and change hearts.

I ask you to be determined with me.  You pray for me and I will certainly pray for you.  Let’s focus on what God is doing for us right now and what He wants to do for us in the future and eliminate the doubt that is trying to anchor itself around our feet and hold us back from climbing higher in life.  God loves all His children and those who love Him.  I love you as well and appreciate your friendship and support.  Please share your comments on Facebook and share the blog with the people you love in an effort to manifest determination over doubt.  Love to you all.

Sweet Shrubs and Honeysuckles

Bertie Mae had a few favorite things that everyone in the family knew about.  Depending on what time of year she would be itching to enjoy some of God’s sweetest little creations.  My grandmother was not a woman who enjoyed canned or processed foods.  She grew up in a simpler time where people still lived off the earth and respected the natural blessings.  As I examine myself and how I can improve, I wonder if the “advancements” we have made are not somewhat detrimental.  It’s nice every now and then to take a stroll down memory lane and enjoy the simple life.  Come take a walk with me.

I loved a nice breezy Saturday afternoon when Granny would ask Mom to take a drive over to New Liberty and go up the mountain and look for sweet shrubs.  Not only would it mean a stop at Tillison’s for ice cream, but it would mean a heavenly smell in the house for several days.  If you don’t know, sweet shrubs have one of the best scents on earth.  Granny would love to cut them, put them in a mason jar filled with water and sit them in her trailer.  Within an hour, the smell would envelop the entire home.  She would open the windows and let the wind blow through and just sit back and enjoy.  Sweet shrubs truly are the air freshener from nature.

My cousins and I used to love honeysuckles.  I don’t think you can call them a flower they are probably classified as a weed.  We would pick them, pluck a small weed from the bloom and taste the sweet moisture on the tip.  I remember asking Granny one time why honeysuckles had that sweet tip on them and she told me it was a reminder from God that at the end of everything bitter could be something sweet.  Today I went for a walk to get fresh air and enjoy the wind and sounds of nature.  The birds are chirping more, the Bradford Pear trees are in full bloom.  I was thinking about my grandmother and the many heartfelt chats we had.  When I think about the ups and downs of depression and life in general, I think about the sweetness at the end of the bitter weed of the honeysuckle.  Regardless of what we go through in life, we have to rest in the knowledge there will be a sweet ending.  When I am in the middle of a manic episode or stuck in some tribulation, it’s hard to see the positive side of things.  This is why it is important for us to plant as many seeds as possible to help each other find ways to pull out of the bad cycles.  As I grow in my spirituality and mature as a man, I am finding it easier to see God’s big picture and trust in the unseen.  My sweet memories of Granny certainly prepared me for what I would have to deal with in life.

Another life lesson my grandmother taught me was how to shuck corn.  As a young boy, I absolutely loathed corn.  I wanted to spend my summer vacation swimming, watching TV and just having a good time, but every day, my grandmother made us work in the garden.  We would all gather on her front porch and shell peas, break beans, and of course the dreaded corn shucking.  You had to take each ear of corn and peel back the outer shuck, which was not hard, but then it was covered in silk.  Strings of silk covered each ear.  It would take me way to long as I procrastinated having to pick up another cob by peeling away one or two strings at a time.  Granny had a fly swatter lying beside her and she was not afraid to use it.  She told me that if I worked slowly and “put off” doing that job that I would do that with everything in life.  There are still chores today that I hate to do and I put them off.  Every time I do, I think about shucking corn and how my Granny would finish an ear in about thirty seconds.  Our obstacles in life are just like those ears of corn.  You peel away one layer and there may be a lot of work left to do before you reach the finish line.  If you face your fears, conflicts, and challenges, conquering them quickly and earnestly, you will have a wonderful finished product.

If you look inside your heart, you can find inspiration to help you get through the tough times.  Just like with any physical illness, depression and other emotional problems can cause a lot of pain and discomfort.  I am sharing these memories and thoughts with you because it has helped me to make progress against an obstacle that I never thought I could beat.  You can do the same.  Plant some memories of sweet shrubs, honeysuckles and corn on the cob in your mind and you can replay them when things get you down.  God is the greatest doctor and the best medicine we could ever have.  Be thankful that He blesses us with all we need to get through this life.  There is a happy ending, because Jesus said, “In my Father’s house, there are many mansions.” 

If you are suffering or know someone who is, please don’t ignore it.  Reach out and seek the help from God.  Sometimes he helps us through medical doctors and sometimes it’s through the help of a friend or fellow Christian.  If you need guidance or counseling, I am always here.  I share these thoughts for self healing and to reach those who may feel they have no hope.  Won’t you help me?  Love to all.

Learning To Wait

I really don’t know if I can blame it on depression or bipolar disorder or if it is just a major character flaw, but nonetheless I have always had a problem with patience.  When I was young, I had an obsession with being early for everything.  I couldn’t stand it if we were the last to arrive at a family gathering.  I had to be the first pupil in the classroom at school and at church on Sunday.  As an adult, I have been criticized by others, one boss even telling me that the internet is not fast enough for me.  It’s so ironic because my brother and sister were completely opposite growing up.  Tony and Becky both just went with the flow.  Before my brother passed away, he used to tell me, “relax…you are wound tighter than that watch you are always checking.”

It is light-hearted and fun to joke about being obsessed with time and impatience to a certain point, but when you start applying that to your relationship with God, it can get you in a little trouble.  For most of my adult life I have struggled with God’s concept of time.  When I pray sometimes I automatically assume that prayer will be answered within twenty-four hours.  God doesn’t necessarily work that way.  Fortunately with time…and maturity in our relationship with God we come to learn that all things work out perfectly according to His plan.  This lesson is something that I have only come to learn in recent years.  Wait for God and let Him work His plan.  If I serve Him every day the way that I know I should, then He can do the work He needs to do and shape the circumstances that need to be shaped in order to answer my prayer. 

At church we sing this song, “Teach Me Lord To Wait.”   It may very well be the most beautiful and poignant song in our hymnal.  “Teach me Lord to wait, right down on my knees, til in Your on good time, You answer my pleas.  Teach me not to rely on what others do, but to wait in prayer for an answer from You.”  Later the song goes into a beautiful chorus where it celebrates “they that wait upon the Lord.”  One of our sisters, Rhonda Coleson, hits this beautiful note in her upper register and it just sends chills up my spine.  Usually, I hold hands with the person sitting next to me on this song because it is so emotional and spiritually uplifting.  If you really concentrate on the words and apply the principle to your life, it makes so much sense and will help strengthen your relationship with God and your faith that He WILL answer.

The people who love me the most and are around me more than others get really frustrated with my mood swings.  So many times I have heard my best friend say to me, “I just don’t understand.”  Regardless of the understanding, my friends are still patient….they “wait” for my mood to lift and the depression to pass.  I am fortunate to have that kind of love in my life, because so many people who suffer from this terrible disease don’t.  I believe you have to surround yourself with friends who will stay and be patient.  It’s so important to embrace your spirituality and Christianity when you suffer from depression or any ailment.  I honestly can’t imagine how anyone gets through a day without talking to God and knowing that He is working on their behalf. 

When I start getting impatient about my prayers now, I try and think about what God would want from me.  I think of Him building something great and every time I get impatient, He has to stop what He is doing and look down at me and say, “would you stop with the whining, I am busy building a great future for you!”  I truly believe that God wants to live in joy and not sadness and depression or worry.  I think that He is aware of our needs long before we pray them, yet He still wants us to ask.  Once we pray and express our desires and wishes, He decides the when, where and how.  It may take years for certain things to work out.

All of my life I have dreamed of being a successful writer.  Honestly as a young man I never thought I would be reaching people by writing and speaking about depression and God.  I wanted to write dramas and suspense-filled thrillers.  I would write and then abandon it.  I have never stuck with anything longer or felt more passionate than when I am writing and speaking about depression and the need for a strong relationship with God to overcome it.  I believe I was never successful writing in the past because God was preparing me for His plan.  My passion and my dreams are going to come true, but it must be in line with what God expects and needs. 

If you have a dream in your heart and you just can’t stop thinking about it, you can take it to the bank that God put it there.  The question is how will you pursue it and what doors will open?  If we try and do things alone and force results that aren’t part of God’s plan, then we are out there on our own and we have to deal with the stress and the worry of life.  When we pray and wait on God to give us the answer and the direction…the dream will begin to take form as reality.  God doesn’t want us to worry.  He wants us to live joy-filled lives. 

My dream of being a successful writer and speaker makes me very anxious, but it’s GOOD anxiety.  I feel excited to the point that I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me next and what direction He wants me to take.  I can’t wait to see how He inspires me.  It comes with age and it comes with maturity in your spiritual relationship.  Learning to wait on God to work out the plan is an important step in making your dreams come true.  “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up with wings like eagles.”  I just can’t wait to see what’s around the corner because I am ready to fly like an eagle.  I hope you will too.  Love to all.

Inside The Gate

The sun was setting over the river on Sunday evening as my good friend and I were crossing the Southside Bridge over the Coosa River on highway 77.  It was a beautiful sight and we were having a great conversation about life.  We spend so many hours of our day working physically or mentally to earn a paycheck in order to make ends meet each month.  Twenty-four hours are awarded each day and if you break it down to how much of that time you spend doing something you actually enjoy it can get depressing.  Well, I don’t need much to get me depressed, so I have to figure out a way to turn that negative statistic into something positive.  The mundane tasks that we entrench ourselves in are temporary.  Meeting the monthly bills, achieving the best grades, or finding the right person to spend your life with are all temporary goals.  In the GRAND scheme of things, we are all just trying to get inside the gate…..the gates of Heaven.

After a long hard day at work on Monday I came home and turned on the TV, expecting there to be nothing to grab my attention and so I would most likely just shower, slide into bed and stare at the ceiling until I could drift off to sleep sometime in the wee hours of the night and repeat the same cycle the next day.  Fortunately, God had something different in store for me.  I actually flipped through the channels and landed on the OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network).  When you are finished laughing out loud, go ahead and keep reading.  I am not a big Oprah fan at all.  Especially since she and I are on different ends of the political spectrum.  What grabbed my attention was that she and Tyler Perry were at a church service led by Joel Osteen.  After the service, she visited with Joel and Victoria and their children at the Osteen home near Houston, TX.  The interview was amazing.  I have read many devotionals, books, and other writings from Joel, but to see him in a personal interview with probably the world’s best interviewer was amazing.  He was confident and I loved that he stood up for Christianity.

With age and experience comes so much more understanding about everything.  Christianity and our personal relationship with God is among these things.  Having been raised in a fire and brimstone church, I am thankful I have been able to grow and evolve to a point that I understand the true meaning of the sacrifice that Jesus made.  Men like Joel Osteen are doing everything in their power to convince Americans and people around the world that it is a wonderful and easy path to Heaven, if we just accept Jesus as our Savior and God as our Father.  Years of having it browbeaten into me from the pulpit, “you will never be good enough unless you are perfect,” completely contradicts the very subject that was being taught, Jesus Christ was the only perfect man to ever live in the flesh. 

As a person who battles with depression and bipolar disorder on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, you can imagine how I would never feel that I could achieve salvation. I finally truly understood what it meant to have a personal relationship with God.  It only matters what happens between He and I.  It doesn’t matter what you, the neighbor, my ex-minister, an ex-boss or anyone else might think.  There is only one judge and there is only one goal…making it inside the gates of Heaven.  I have done what is necessary to achieve this.  I have formed, continue to build, and now understand my relationship with the Father.  I am watching it evolve daily.

Mr. Osteen spoke eloquently about the abundance that God wants His people to live in, so of course we should have goals and objectives and we should reap rewards in this life.  As my friend and I continued south on highway 77 we talked about making the most of the short time we have in this world, but understanding that the trials and tribulation would just make it sweeter on the other side.

God operates in a different time frame than I do.  I have to understand that my calendar doesn’t sync with His.  I may have five days left, or I may have five thousand days left.  Either way, every moment I breath I need to be thankful for His love and deal with the troubles and sorrow or joy and victory in the best ways that I can.  My faith guarantees that I will make it, inside the gate.  Love to all.

Door Step Therapy

Your left brain does a lot of work.  It can be extremely beneficial to you, but it can also be negative, damaging and dark.  It’s very practical and even somewhat cynical.  In contrast, your right brain is where your skills and your memories reside.  The interesting thing about your right brain is that it has a hard time distinguishing reality from make believe, yet it is where you find truth…truth about everything, once you can really focus and meditate.

I recently visited a Naturopath recommended by a friend.  I have been open and honest about trying so many things in the past to treat my manic depression and bipolar disorder.  I have never had a better session than this most recent visit.

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A man in his late thirties, fairly successful, talented and bright sees a young five year old boy sitting on the door steps of a very modest mobile home.  He walks up and sits down next to the little boy.  The tiny little creature looks more like a three year old than a lad about to start school.  The boy stares down at the ground and although it’s obvious that he feels the presence of the older man  and maybe even recognizes him to some degree, he refuses to look up as the gentle breeze blows through his hair.  The little boy has more trouble on his mind than someone that age should have to endure.    

The five year olds’ biological parents have been divorced now for three years and he lives with his stepfather and mother who just gave birth to his new baby sister.  Most of the time things have been happy around the house, especially with the arrival of the new baby.  Mom and step-dad are getting along, the verbal and physical abuse of one another has taken a short sabbatical.  Stepdad hasn’t gone on a cursing rage and Mom hasn’t been swinging the iron skillet for several months.  The little boy is soon to be entering first grade.  This little family now has grown to five.  There is an older brother from the Stepdad’s previous marriage, so everyone in the family has the same last name except the five year old….who has his own, “real daddy.”  The real daddy comes for a visit every few months and there are always arguments about how he smells like beer and he only stays for a few minutes because of the bickering with the mommy.  Too much stress for a five year old.

Conversation has been brewing that the little boy should change his last name to match that of the rest of the family.  He desperately wants to fit in with his brother and sister and not be the oddball in the family, but “real daddy” is hurt by this possibility.  Even though he lies often, makes promises that he can’t keep, and always seems to smell funny and have a different lady with him on each visit, the little boy desperately wants everyone to be happy.  Mom wants the name change, Stepdad wants the name change….how can this little boy keep the peace in the family and make everyone happy?  How does he convince them all that he loves them equally?  Forcing him to choose sides is unfair!  The name change will officially happen and he will struggle emotionally for the remainder of his life.

The familiar stranger recognizes the pain and remembers it all.  He places his arm around the little boy's shoulder and tells him that he understands what he is going through.  He knows it is a burden that keeps the boy from eating, sleeping, going to the restroom, etc.  He is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders at the age of five.  It will change him forever.  It will damage him forever.  Not only will his last name change, but from this moment on, he will become two different people.  His right and left brain will constantly do battle.  “Real Daddy” will disappear for over 7 years in a fit of anger.  Once the school year begins, there will be no fooling anyone that he is from a normal family, his cousins will tell everyone his last name is not his “real” last name.  His mind will torture his little body.  He will come to resent everyone who played a role in this decision.  He will be filled with regret and guilt for many years.

The grown man sitting next to him reassures the young boy that regardless of the hard road ahead and the many ups and downs and abandonment issues from the father and the manipulative issues with the mother, he will make it.  He will survive.  He says, “you will make it.”  You will survive.  I am you.  I am you in thirty four years, and we make it.  We get through this and so many other things.  I give him the comforting hug and reassurance some other adult way back when should have stepped up and offered.  I show compassion instead of spite, anger and revenge.  In my mind I hug the little boy tightly and keep repeating, we make it.  I wipe away his tears.

I am relaxed almost to a state of numbness in the therapist’s office.  I am searching for a way to rewrite history in order to make a more positive future.  It’s an effort to heal wounds and correct events that dominate my ability to find emotional well being.

For the sake of the child….shouldn’t every adult understand when they have children, the best interest of the child comes first. Let them be a child, protect them from the mistakes that you make.  Divorce is common, but it should happen between the two parties involved and not children who are ever so innocent.  No one has the right to take away a child’s right to grow up safe and happy, both physically and mentally.

There is no way to rewrite history, but the future can be changed, if I can just find a way to keep showing compassion and love to that little boy as he declines year after year.  At some point, maybe I can erase the guilt for so many things.

Just a little meditation and a right brain trip back to a set of doorsteps may just be the start I have been looking for.

Much Love,

Robert

Binge Eating

We do a lot of things as human beings to make ourselves feel better in times of depression or just general low mood swings.  Unfortunately for me and those of you like me who suffer from chronic forms of emotional illness, impulsive behavior comes more frequently and can be so much more destructive.

For years I have struggled with my fluctuating weight.  I hear a lot of female friends talk about how they struggle and a few men.  I will say that it has been my experience that men do have a better metabolism and find it easier to shed unwanted pounds easier than women.  After I have abused my body for a couple of weeks and begin to feel the side effects, I can usually diet for about 5 days and lose everything I have gained, but it is a dangerous and destructive process.

Both my biological father and grandfather died early deaths from diabetes.  My father was especially overweight and never was able to control his size after his early twenties returning from the Army.  He was the very definition of obese.  It led to his blindness, inability to work, and eventual fatal heart attack in his early fifties.  With this genetic background, I should be extra careful, but my depression is a negative contributing factor.

I admitted to a close friend for the first time a few minutes ago on an email that I use binge eating as a way to treat my depression.  When you read my blog entries you will find nothing but pure honesty and complete openness.  I am airing enough skeletons that would certainly keep me from ever being elected to political office…not that it’s a goal, but maybe an attempt at light humor.

I think for me it starts with snacking.  They call them comfort foods for a reason.  You know, you keep them hidden so visitors don’t see the junk food on the counter.  You go through drive-thru windows hoping that no one will recognize you.  I sometimes go as far as to order multiple sodas, so the cashier doesn’t think the entire order is for me.  I sometimes even say, “Can you bag that separately, I am taking it to someone else?”  Does any of this sound familiar?  I had a particular depressive episode tonight, so at 9PM, I made a trip to the drive-thru.  The result is that I am up blogging at 3AM because I am miserable.  It is destructive to my body and when I come down from the high of the comfort food, I feel worse than I did before, yet I find it difficult to control the impulse when I am caught in the middle of an episode.

I am also impulsive when it comes to shopping.  I will literally go and buy things for myself, Austin, other family members or friends just to feel better.  Once I reach the register I begin to perspire because I know it’s wrong, but kind of like putting money in a slot machine, I just can’t seem to avoid the adrenaline and temporary relief that it gives.  What’s your poison when it comes to impulsive shopping to treat depression?  This may hand you a laugh, but office supply stores are my favorite.  I have so many leather planners, briefcases, roller bags, notebooks, etc., it’s not even funny.  My mother has 3 office chairs she is storing for me because I have no where to put them.  All of these things purchases during a manic episode.

Whether it’s donuts, fast food combos, alcohol, gambling, or any other type of binging, it’s not going to get better unless we talk about it.  So in my weak and liberal “put it all out there” state of mind this morning, I am sharing just in case you can relate. 

I will take all the prayers I can get and I will of course pray for you.  Just remember, it’s not about being ashamed, it’s time to stop being embarrassed and start getting better.

Much Love.