Walking In Sunlight

It feels so good to actually be smiling while I am writing.  When I sit down to work on my book or add articles to my blog it is important that I am feeling inspired.  Today, I am so inspired that I am not sure my fingers can keep up with my thoughts.  The people in my inner circle know that for the last several months I have truly struggled with my depression.  As always, God has delivered me from a long manic episode.  I didn’t realize just how much I was affecting everyone around me until this week.  When I finally started feeling better and was able to look ahead to my bright future, my closest friends and loved ones were letting me know one by one just how worried they were.  When a person suffers from depression he spends a lot of time feeling sorry for himself; and though it is a horrible disease, he may forget how much his loved ones are affected.  This entry is my apology and hopefully encouragement to others to take whatever steps are needed to get better.

Depression is a dark place.  The adjective “dark” is very important in this description because when I am in one of my rapid cycling phases, I actually crave darkness.  Last night I was driving home from work and the rain was beating violently against my windshield.  It was one of those really cold hard rains where even on high setting, your windshield wipers can’t seem to do enough.  When I am at my lowest points, I look forward to darkness and storms.  Over the last few months, I have obsessed about rainy, dark and dreary weather.  I check the forecast on my iPad every day just to make sure the weather looks bad.  In those low moods, I hate sunshine.  It’s a selfish feeling, but I don’t want everyone else to be happy.  Dark rainy days put a damper on everyone’s life.  To me, it is easy to hide out on those days.  It’s easy to justify coming home from work and crawling under the covers with no attempt at social interaction.  It’s very dangerous behavior, but I have lived with this mentality on and off for many years.  In my mind, I can hide from the world in the dark.  I can hide from my problems. 

I know that I have made a turn for the better because last night’s dark and rainy weather took me by surprise.  I was not expecting it.  I had not planned for it.  I had not wished it upon Northeast Alabama.  It actually got on my nerves.  Earlier in the day the sun was shining very bright and I walked outside, looked up at blue skies and smiled.  That is a great feeling.  Humans are supposed to crave sunlight.  It is supposed to make us feel better.  The vitamin D is not only good for our skin, but our mentality. 

How did I get so low for the last few months?  How did I pull out of it?  These are the important questions you need answered to understand depression.  People who suffer from a form of depression have a chemical imbalance and don’t have the ability to bounce back from a tragedy, illness, heartbreak, or in some cases, mild disappointment.  Since I have battled depression for most of my life, I have learned how my mind works.  It doesn’t take much for me to trend toward sadness.  If a tragedy or a disappointment occurs in my life it compounds the problem.  In October, I lost my dear friend Jean Chappell.  Jean was a great confidant for me.  She actually saved my life.  She and her late husband C.E. intervened when I was in one of the worst manic episodes of my life.  She had experienced depression for years as a breast cancer survivor and recognized my signs.  Without her help, I wouldn’t be here today, I would not be a writer, and I would not be a productive Christian.  Losing Jean was like saying goodbye to my safety net.  The next few months spiraled out of control.  All areas of my life were affected.

The road to recovery from this episode also began because of Jean.  She taught me never to keep secrets about my depression from the people I love.  She always encouraged me to talk about it and put my feet to it!  Reach out to as many people as I could.  I did just that.  I reached out to my loved ones including my church family.  I have no idea how any person survives a life crisis without God and His children.  I prayed very long prayers, wrote five and six page pleas in my journals to God, and frequently communicated with my brothers and sisters in Him.  I think I lost count of how many people were actually praying for things to turn around for me.  It takes time and it may not work out the way we think or even the way we direct God.  Prayers are answered when we truly submit to His will.  I had to learn this the hard way, but I am living proof.  Leave the what, where, when, why and how to Him.

The scriptures tell us that God will never place more on us than we can handle.  I was at a point where I was telling God in every single prayer, I can’t handle any more. “ Please realize I have reached my limit” was my plea.  He never left my side.  The spirit continued to dwell in me and keep me going.  God worked through the people in my life to bring about the change I needed to start my recovery. 

Christians are powerful people.  We are the strongest on earth.  God can handle everything.  No obstacle is too big and He uses His children as the resource for fighting evil.  We have to hit our knees, make our requests known to God and then stand up and walk toward the sunlight that we need.  I understand being so depressed that you don’t even feel like praying.  When you hit that point, if you trust in Him, you are close to a breakthrough, I promise you.  I realize that God has allowed me to learn these lessons so that I can help others.  We learn compassion for other people through our own experiences.  Trials and tribulations shouldn’t be viewed as a test of faith, but training to handle larger obstacles in the future. 

The most important advice I can give anyone is that you can’t do this alone.  You need to place God as the first and foremost contact.  Secondly, surround yourself with other Christian friends and loved ones who have compassion for your plight.  Finally, seek the medical help or counseling you need to get on the road to recovery.  It may sound like a simple plan, it isn’t.  It’s very hard, but you need to know that you can do it. 

In the early days I used to deal with great shame about my depression.  I have had very close friends and family tell me that I was ruining my reputation.  I have recently even gotten private email requests to stop airing my dirty laundry and the details of my life.  This attitude is simple and closed minded.  God expects all of us to use the talents and experiences of our life to help others.  Imagine if I or you did not reach out and talk about our problems how many people might suffer in silence and even succumb to this disease.  I speak openly to serve my God, assign accountability to myself, and hopefully help someone else who is hurting. 

Will another manic episode creep up in my future?  Regardless of what I face in my future, I am better prepared to cope.  I realize how much better it is to look for the sunlight in the forecast rather than the rain.

“Walking in sunlight all of my journey,

Over the mountains, through the deep vale;

Jesus has said, I’ll never forsake thee—

Promise divine that never can fail. Refrain:

Heavenly sunlight! Heavenly sunlight!

Flooding my soul with glory divine;

Hallelujah! I am rejoicing,

Singing His praises, Jesus is mine!”

-lyrics by Henry J. Zelley pub. 1899

 

Love to you all.