Listen To My Heart

It’s been a while since I had the strength or the inspiration to post a blog entry.  The truth is I have really disappointed myself with what I wanted to accomplish with my writing.  Soon I will turning forty and I often wonder what I have to show for these years.  I am sure it’s a natural feeling that most people go through when they reach a certain age, for me, with the amazing highs and tumultuous lows, falling short of goals feels like a huge failure.  Oh how I hate the sound of the word failure.

I have really had to remind myself on a daily basis that if I never accomplish anything in this life again, the fact that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior is more than plenty.  The Word of God instructs us to lay our treasures up in Heaven and not here on earth.  I pray that my honesty and openness about such a cruel and debilitating disease will be considered an act of good will toward others.  I wrote to my friend Gina earlier that my determination to be open and honest was also to assign accountability to myself.  The more people aware of your depression, the less likely you are to harm yourselves.  It is human nature to care what others think, so I believe even in my darkest hour, I will know that I would not be able to escape without hurting a lot of loved ones.

I made it through the holidays better than I thought I would.  Dealing with the absence of my brother was difficult, but I found great comfort in what the Lord has provided for me this year.  I have returned to a career that keeps me busy all the time, both physically and mentally.  For a person who over analyzes every detail of his life, the busier and more occupied I am, the healthier I will be.

People with Bipolar disorder react to situations differently.  I have talked with and encountered a lot of people who are “angry” manic depressives versus my “sad” rapid cycling.  I am not sure what is worse, but I have seen the negative effect on families of both.  For now, my worst symptom seems to be my lack of restful sleep.  I dream twelve to fifteen dreams per night.  I can remember each of them as if they are movies or books I have read.  Some are far-fetched while others are almost like de je vu.  The common thread is that I wake up mentally exhausted.  I find it so difficult to crawl out of bed each morning because I haven’t rested the previous night.  Literally, my mind tortures my body.  It drains all my energy.  I treat it with impulsive eating, shopping, or other destructive behaviors. 

The medications that are offered to treat these symptoms and keep them to a minimum are helpful but also have short term and long term side effects.  I have experienced reduced kidney function, muscle aches and pains, and serious digestive issues.  I am a supporter of seeking medical help, but I still stand firm beside my decision to look to God first.  He knows that what I need more than anything are friends and loved ones to support me and things to look forward to in life.  He provides exciting events to look forward to and lift my spirits.  He provides inspiration through His Word that a better life waits at the end of this one. 

In addition to the support I have received, I also get a lot of private and mostly anonymous (or cowardly) criticism about how embarrassing it is for a grown man to post such private and personal thoughts.  I have probably allowed some of those comments to silence me more than I should.  How can I be quiet when millions are suffering and are afraid to seek help or even confide in one other person?  I have already risked relationships, career, family, and even Church affiliation by shedding light on a dark subject.  The only thing I have to lose is my sanity if I hold it inside and let it kill me.

Please don’t allow embarrassment or fear prevent you or someone you love from seeking help or counseling for depression or related illnesses.  It is an illness and you would go to the doctor or seek help for any other ailment that brought pain and suffering to your life.  Prayer is a free treatment if you are afraid to seek any other kind.  Reach out to God and I promise He will open doors and make a way for you.  Each time I fall or “retreat” He makes a way for me to take the necessary steps to get back on track.  I believe it’s because I don’t go a single day without praying, even if I just have to say, “God, listen to my heart.”

Thank you for your support and love.  Please share with anyone you know who is hurting and needs to know more than anything….they are not the only one.

Much Love…