We do a lot of things as human beings to make ourselves feel better in times of depression or just general low mood swings. Unfortunately for me and those of you like me who suffer from chronic forms of emotional illness, impulsive behavior comes more frequently and can be so much more destructive.
For years I have struggled with my fluctuating weight. I hear a lot of female friends talk about how they struggle and a few men. I will say that it has been my experience that men do have a better metabolism and find it easier to shed unwanted pounds easier than women. After I have abused my body for a couple of weeks and begin to feel the side effects, I can usually diet for about 5 days and lose everything I have gained, but it is a dangerous and destructive process.
Both my biological father and grandfather died early deaths from diabetes. My father was especially overweight and never was able to control his size after his early twenties returning from the Army. He was the very definition of obese. It led to his blindness, inability to work, and eventual fatal heart attack in his early fifties. With this genetic background, I should be extra careful, but my depression is a negative contributing factor.
I admitted to a close friend for the first time a few minutes ago on an email that I use binge eating as a way to treat my depression. When you read my blog entries you will find nothing but pure honesty and complete openness. I am airing enough skeletons that would certainly keep me from ever being elected to political office…not that it’s a goal, but maybe an attempt at light humor.
I think for me it starts with snacking. They call them comfort foods for a reason. You know, you keep them hidden so visitors don’t see the junk food on the counter. You go through drive-thru windows hoping that no one will recognize you. I sometimes go as far as to order multiple sodas, so the cashier doesn’t think the entire order is for me. I sometimes even say, “Can you bag that separately, I am taking it to someone else?” Does any of this sound familiar? I had a particular depressive episode tonight, so at 9PM, I made a trip to the drive-thru. The result is that I am up blogging at 3AM because I am miserable. It is destructive to my body and when I come down from the high of the comfort food, I feel worse than I did before, yet I find it difficult to control the impulse when I am caught in the middle of an episode.
I am also impulsive when it comes to shopping. I will literally go and buy things for myself, Austin, other family members or friends just to feel better. Once I reach the register I begin to perspire because I know it’s wrong, but kind of like putting money in a slot machine, I just can’t seem to avoid the adrenaline and temporary relief that it gives. What’s your poison when it comes to impulsive shopping to treat depression? This may hand you a laugh, but office supply stores are my favorite. I have so many leather planners, briefcases, roller bags, notebooks, etc., it’s not even funny. My mother has 3 office chairs she is storing for me because I have no where to put them. All of these things purchases during a manic episode.
Whether it’s donuts, fast food combos, alcohol, gambling, or any other type of binging, it’s not going to get better unless we talk about it. So in my weak and liberal “put it all out there” state of mind this morning, I am sharing just in case you can relate.
I will take all the prayers I can get and I will of course pray for you. Just remember, it’s not about being ashamed, it’s time to stop being embarrassed and start getting better.
Much Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment