Since 2007, I have been openly speaking about my struggles with depression. It has been a lifelong battle and quite destructive to my health over the last ten years or so. I have been asked by many medical professionals over the years why I refused to talk about it with friends and family and those that would normally comprise a support group. The truthful answer to that question is shame. I love my family and friends; however, being raised in a somewhat old fashioned family, one was not allowed to “air” their dirty laundry. To compound that challenge, I wasn’t always fortunate to attend a church with an open mind.
One of my favorite quotes of all time is “Faith makes things possible…not easy.” This is such a true statement and I have tried to apply it to every aspect and endeavor in my life. Faith is about trusting in the unseen and realizing that God will deliver us from our pain and strife. The scriptures clearly state in Revelation there will be no more tears in Heaven. Peter writes in 1 Peter 4:12 that we should not be surprised that we suffer as Christians. It is evident that we will feel emotional pain in this life and sometimes for various reasons it takes heavier tolls on one person than it does another. During my young and impressionable years I was taught over and over in the church that Christians should never be weak in their faith. Emotional problems were frowned upon and it was not seen as a medical issue. This frustrated me then and still does that some Christians don’t understand depression is not a weakness in our faith in God. It is a chemical imbalance. A person battling a mental illness can have just as much faith in the Father as the next. I have found that through my illness I have grown closer to God. I need Him more and feel more connected now that I worship in an open and loving congregation than I ever did when I was dodging fire and brimstone constantly.
When society looks down upon people who are “different” in any way, it is an injustice to the person suffering the illness and it is nothing more than judgment by the person or group of people establishing the stereotypes. How ignorant is the person who lives in a glass house and throws stones? Don’t we all have things about ourselves we wish we could improve or change?
As I look back at the many years I hid my pain and suffering I think it was really the worst kept secret of my life. When colleagues see your Jekyl and Hyde behavior on a daily basis or loved ones find you crying in the dark for no apparent reason or friends wonder on any given day whether you will be on a high or a low; is there any doubt a problem exists? Is there really a secret being kept? If the secret is kept so you will avoid the judgment of others, when it kills you, will the avoiding the shame be worth the consequence paid?
As an advocate for emotional wellness, I strive to empower those who suffer depression and its related ailments. Take control of your situation and who you are. For those who would judge rather than reach out or support someone who faces struggles, I say the shame is on you. For many years my own mother called my bipolar disease, “your other little problem.” She begged me not to tell my grandmother or others that I was taking Prozac and Lithium. It took me a long time to convince her that regardless of the fact that I am a man with testosterone and testicles, I do feel emotional pain. I had to convince her and myself that it no longer mattered what people thought. When a man goes so far as taking up mountain biking and instead of for the purpose of health, but with the intention of riding off the side of Mt. Cheaha making his death look like an accident rather than suicide, it’s time for a wakeup call and the realization that judgmental people matter not!
I have been suffering a great deal in the last ten days or so. It’s one of those rapid cycling phases I have to endure. An acquaintance I have known for some 15 years passed away from an accidental overdose of pain killers. She lost her job, then her husband, then her home. I knew she was in bad shape emotionally and I kept thinking as one of our mutual friends gave me updates that I needed to reach out to her. I needed to do something, but I never did. I won’t make that mistake again with anyone I know, love, or even just hear about. I pray for everyone out there who is struggling with a “best kept secret.” Please don’t ignore your problem for fear of judgment. Depression is no more a sign of weakness in faith than a person who overeats every day. Stronger faith is certainly a step in the right direction just as with any illness. In the letter to the Hebrews, chapter eleven, verse six says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”
In addition to strengthening our faith and talking about our issues, medical help is necessary. It doesn’t always have to mean the dreaded Prozac or other scripts. The medical community is making great strides in treating the various mental and emotional illnesses. The point is there is help in some form. The hurt however, is being sedentary and feeling ashamed. Take it from me, Rob Goodwin who spent much of his life worried to death, almost literally, about his reputation. You just have to overlook the judgmental people, even family, friends, or brethren in Christ. Even if your pain is so strong that you don’t love yourself enough to get help, think of those who might be wondering what could they have done after the fact, if something happens to you. Like me, you will be surprised how many people already recognized there was a problem and that your best kept secret, wasn’t really a secret at all.
God bless us all.
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