All Is Well

It took me several years to develop the courage to discuss my condition openly. I come from a long line of judgmental people. Being raised in a staunchly conservative and legalistic church environment didn’t help either. There was just no room for anyone who might be a little “different.” Even though I believe most of my family to have severe bipolar tendencies, not many of them will admit it or seek help today, and I strongly believe from my research and experiences, mental disorders are hereditary. Some of my closest friends and relatives have said to me, “why talk about it…why write about it…things like this should be kept private.” I respect that opinion. However, having been at the edge of suicide on several occasions, and at the point of almost no return, I believe talking about it, writing about it, and sharing can save other lives…as well as my own.

I had my first mental breakdown in 2003, it lasted for approximately 6 months. It was prompted by the death of my grandmother Bertie Mae and an influx of tumultuous memories and personal struggles from my youth. I began to withdraw from the world. I would go to work every day, then come home in the afternoon and cover the windows, doors, etc., with anything I could find to block the light. I just wanted to be in total darkness. I thought if no one can see me…I will be okay. I cried continually. I didn’t sleep. My weight fluctuated 10 to 15 pounds every week! I would have manic episodes on a daily basis….all hidden from everyone. At work, I developed a reputation for being a Jekyl and Hyde. I was loving and understanding one moment and bitter and infuriated the next. This was the first “major” breakdown of my life, but as I reflected and would later come to terms with, I had displayed these tendencies from a very early age. My erratic mood swings were undiagnosed for more than 20 years.

Fortunately, God had bigger plans for me. Even though I was turning my back on Him, He would not let me go. Sometimes I think Bertie Mae was campaigning with God on my behalf. She was up there in Heaven pleading with God to intervene. He did just that…in the form of an older married couple who had become my “God Parents.” C.E. and Jean Chappell became my life line. They recognized what was going on with me. Jean had experienced much of the same symptoms as I, therefore, they knew it was bad. They refused to listen to my excuses. They refused to let me hide from them. I finally broke and I confided in them. I even told them of my well laid plans to end it all. They took me to a doctor immediately. A very long process of ups and downs, progress and relapse, healing and regression, success and failure began to occur. It’s a battle that will likely never end in this life.

I told my story publicly for the first time in 2007, standing in the pulpit at the Ohatchee Church of Christ. The minister, Wayne Dunaway, who is a very good friend and advocate, gave me the opportunity to preach a sermon entitled, “Christians Overcoming Depression.” The sermon/testimony was well received and so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ came up to me and told me they had gone through similar bouts with depression. Millions of Americans do every year, but for so long we have treated these illnesses as taboo and made people afraid to get help. I was one of those people. I am so thankful the Chappell’s intervened when they did and rescued me. C.E. and Jean put me on the path to recovery.

Today, I am healthy and I try to be proactive in my fight against this illness. I support each person in their own plight to conquer mental disorders, whether it be through faith alone or with the assistance of medical treatment. My main goal is to be as productive as I can and set an example that there should be no stigma attached to people who battle mental illness. A mental illness is a medical problem. For some, it’s temporary, for others it can be more long term and can impact the lives of everyone around. The most important lesson I have learned is regardless of how you’re judged by friends and relatives, surround yourself with people who will love and support you unconditionally. Put God at the top of your list and pray daily for healing and strength. Many people who suffer from Bipolar disorder are some of the most creative and successful people in the world. I am determined to control what happens in my future. Defeat is no longer an option.

If one life is saved or one circumstance is made better because we have an open conversation about mental illness, then it’s worth any ridicule or criticism we might endure. In the words of my dear friend C.E. Chappell who has now gone to be with the Lord, “all is well.”