Depression: A Mind and Mood Matter Part III

Depression:  A Mind and Mood Matter

Part III

March 2, 2014

Make Your Doctor Listen

Do you ever feel like your doctor doesn’t listen?  We all know that physicians are extremely busy.  Each of us have most likely had an experience sitting in a crowded waiting room while a limited staff does all they can to herd patients in and out like cattle.  The doctor rushes in when you are lucky enough to make it to the exam room.  He/She quickly flips through your file and you are thinking, “they must be speed readers.  How can they remember everything about me?”  Maybe you are like me and you have seen the same medical doctor for 29 years?  However, my trips to Psychiatrists could be likened to a roller coaster ride.  I want to share some of those experiences and stress the importance in this blog of insisting that your doctor listen to every word you speak. 

A patient can’t go into a doctor’s office and say “I have a mass in my abdomen and I think I am dying of cancer,” and expect the doctor not to run a battery of tests and attempt to rule cancer out.  Right?  We also can’t self-diagnose.  Many illnesses share the same symptoms.  This is so true for mental illness.  As I have said before, Depression and Bipolar Disorder have such common or notable symptoms that it would be easy for a medical professional to misdiagnose if they don’t have all the information.  According to Wikipedia, there are 189 different types of mental disorders…of course they share many of the same symptoms.

Before taking control of my illness I bounced around to several Psychiatrists in Calhoun, Etowah and Jefferson Counties.  I will not name any names on this blog, because I do not want to disparage anyone, but let me share a very scary experience with a Psychiatrist in Anniston.  I was having a particularly difficult time and had been making very impulsive decisions.  One of those was to try a brand new doctor without stopping the medication I was already on.  It was a poor decision on my part and one that I fortunately was able to “live” to regret, but it was a close call.  Five minutes in the man’s chair and he pulled out a prescription pad.  As far as I know he had not reviewed the current medication list on my new patient paperwork.  He prescribed Geodon, an anti-psychotic drug for those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder.  Once again, he didn’t pay attention to the medications I was currently taking.  It was haphazard of him.  I made the mistake of not insisting that I stop other meds, or clarify that it would be okay to mix them, but every time I tried to speak, he just cut me off or I felt he was not really listening.

The combination of Geodon, 1600mg of Lithium per day, Prozac, and Xanax was almost lethal to my body.  I literally had to crawl to bed within 20 minutes after taking the drug.  Certainly it takes a little time to adjust, and I will address that a little later, but my side effects were unbearable.  I became very dizzy, nauseated, and paranoid.  Tremors and hallucinations lasted throughout the night.  I went to work the next day and felt like a zombie.  I repeated the process that night and had the same outcome.  I called my medical doctor and never went back to see the Anniston quack again.  Again, my side effects where not mild…they were extremely intense.  My family doctor started treating me at age 13 and he was furious with me for randomly picking a new Psychiatrist and not being strong enough to recognize the danger in that situation.

Dr. Ingram explained to me that a proper mental illness diagnosis comes after many conversations, documentation of behavior, symptoms, etc.  He did teach me that trial and error is necessary with any anti-depressants and I accept this.  Most of us have experienced the need to allow new medications to work into our system.  It truly takes about 2-3 weeks for your body and chemical make-up to adjust when adding a new script.  Those 2-3 weeks are crucial.

Patients will face many different side effects because we are all made differently.  You and I will never experience 100% of the same outcome from our meds.  We have to be resolved to give ample time within reason.  Clearly, the anti-psychotic medication was not right for me in combination with that much Lithium and other drugs.  I have however had to learn to put up with a few uncomfortable symptoms over the years when starting new meds.  Prozac used to make me want to pick at my clothes, bite my fingernails, even get down on the floor and just tear at the carpet.  The best way I can describe the feeling is that I just couldn’t stand myself during that time.  I hated being in my own skin. 

The Mayo Clinic released a study in 2008 stating that patients can have increased thoughts of suicide during the first two weeks of starting new meds.  I was talking with my friend Tracy who is an R.N., and we came to this conclusion:

            A person is often so depressed they don’t have the mental capacity, willpower, energy, or even fight in them to harm themselves.  They can barely get out of bed at times. We can be emotionally paralyzed to the point that it’s almost a physical paralysis.  So when that person starts a new medication that is truly going to help improve their health, the middle ground between rock bottom and “quality of life” can give the energy and drive to execute a plan of suicide.  Feeling better isn’t always that much better when you are referencing being on rock bottom with depression.  A person who has contemplated suicide has to improve quite a lot to remove that idea from their daily thought process.  Therefore many professionals recommend and even insist that patients do not live alone while trying new meds.

My friend Lu Anne was encouraging me last week and telling me how proud she is that I have kept my career going and been able to function in society so much better than many people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder or other illnesses.  I feel lucky and I feel blessed.  God knows that my career and my friends keep me going.  I have been at that place many times where I wanted to just give up and I didn’t believe that I could get out of bed and go to work.  Fortunately, I have never had to give serious thought to disability.  I am not saying that I never will, and clearly have enough history documented that I could, but part of living for me is working.  It’s in my DNA.  My mother is 70 years old and has already retired from 35 years in a cotton mill and is now 11 years into her second career.  She recently suffered two heart attacks and lives with a total of eleven stents.  She continues to work.  And so will I. 

I want to empower you with my words.  I want you to know that if you are fighting a mental illness the way I have and still am, you can be in control and you should be.  Your support team needs to read this blog and understand that you have to be truthful at every visit to the doctor.  You need to document every symptom and hold nothing back.  Medicine is evolving in regards to mental illness just as it is with heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer, etc.  The more information you give your medical professional the more accurately they can treat you.  Hold him/her accountable.  Keep a notebook or journal and ask lots of questions.  An improper diagnosis can be extremely detrimental to the patient and the family.

Regarding treatment, the other obstacle that I have struggled with is that your body becomes immune to certain dosages of some medications after a time.  Your doctor may even alter the dosage every three months.  Once you find a great medical professional, stick with them.  Find the one you can trust who will take the time, maintain great records, and can be easily reminded of past experiences or episodes you may have suffered.  You deserve every chance to beat this monster.  We all do!

I am grateful to God for giving me the path to my recovery and for showing me the way to share my experiences in order to hopefully change the stigma or eliminate the shame and help others.  Please share this blog with those you love.

Love to you all…

A Mind and Mood Matter Part II

Depression:  A Mind and Mood Matter

Part II

February 16, 2014

Mental health is a serious issue that needs ample attention from professionals 100% of the time.  Many people have told me over the years that they have short bouts or occasional moments of depression, but they always snap out of it.  That is a wonderful blessing to be able to bounce back and it is also how our bodies were designed.  Unfortunately, due to chemical imbalances not everyone has the ability to overcome setbacks, disappointments, heartache, or tribulation in a desired timely manner.  Once a mental illness becomes a permanent fixture in your life it can take over and destroy everything you know that is good.  This is why we can’t stop having this conversation.

A new friend of mine, Valerie, recently read my blog for the first time and she sent me a message thanking me for my honesty.  I have heard this more than any other comment.  I appreciate that and it reassures me that I am doing the right thing.  Hey we all know that men are supposed to be tougher than this and keep our emotions under wraps….NOT!  It’s a different world today than it was 50 years ago and while I am not one of those people who embraces “the new world” as much as some, in respect to men being more open about their emotions, I am so on board!  If I didn’t write this blog, travel and speak, open up to friends and relatives, I wouldn’t be alive.  I wouldn’t have the opportunity to fulfill God’s plan for my life.

My condition got so bad that a couple of years ago my medical doctor and counselors advised me not to live alone.  As difficult as that was to hear and adjust to, I have been able to enjoy a much better quality of life by not living alone.  I am grateful for my friends and family who have shared homes with me over the last several years and I feel very settled, protected, and safe in this environment.  I have the accountability that I need to enjoy a prosperous and healthy lifestyle.

A few of the symptoms that men and women face with mild depression are:  difficulty falling asleep and difficulty waking up in the mornings, racing thoughts (mostly negative), deep sadness, increased crying for no reason (or nothing we want to admit), loss of interest in daily activities, heavy feelings of doubt, sadness, regret and much more.  Depression and anxiety are very closely related and the world we live in today with all of it’s challenges is enough to give anyone mild depression or anxiety.   If the feelings I mentioned in this paragraph last for more than two weeks there is definitely a sign of a problem and shouldn’t be ignored.

When depression becomes more serious to the point of chronic or manic, a person MUST seek help.  Depression and Bipolar disorder are so closely related that millions have been misdiagnosed because the beginning stages of Bipolar Disorder are almost a mirror for mild to manic depression.  The issue with this is that you cannot treat them with the same medications!  A false diagnosis can cause deeper problems and even induce more thoughts of suicide.  I keep a journal of my behavior/mood swings and I utilize this in every counseling session.

If you are currently seeing a professional or you are considering it, utilize a diary/journal/notebook to document everything you have experienced.  Include dates and times and what was going on in your life/family/job, etc.  Because depression and other mental illnesses can’t be diagnosed with a simple blood test, X-Ray or MRI, professionals have to rely on the information provided by the patient.  It must be truthful information!  I have lied to several doctors because I was embarrassed to give some details and it cost me dearly in the long run.  One time I was given an anti-psychotic medication that placed me in a zombie state for days.  There was a single symptom that I excluded from my detail for the doctor and had I informed him, the medication would have been different.  It doesn’t help matters when some doctors are in such a hurry to get you in and out of their office.  I hate that!!  Do not write a prescription when you have only listened for five minutes.  You have to take control of your own health by insisting that your doctor hear everything you have to say before writing a script or making a plan.

Did you know that people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder generally cannot take sleeping medications?  If I take an Ambien or an OTC sleep aid, I will wake up about one hour after I fall asleep completely wired.  Sleep aids have the opposite affect on me than a person who does not have a mental disorder, or at least the one I have.  Medications interact with our chemical balances and we are all different.  Now that doesn’t mean that if you experience the same symptom you are automatically depressed or bipolar.  It’s important to track these weird symptoms and empower your medical team to help you!

Mood swings are the hardest for me to deal with and they are also extremely difficult for those who care about me.  No one enjoys being around a person who is full of grandiose ideas one minute and won’t even speak to you the next.  I hate being this way.  When I am withdrawn and sad I can hear people talking to me, but I just can’t muster the energy, will, or desire to engage.  I make excuses, act impulsively, overeat, and basically hurt all over when I experience this cycle.  Medications do reduce the symptoms, but absolutely there is no known cure.  Also, over the years I have experienced my body becoming immune to certain medications/dosages after short periods of time.  Trial and error is so frustrating but it is also a necessary evil when fighting any chronic disorder.

Talk therapy and counseling is a requirement for me.  I definitely can’t rely solely on medicine.  Spiritual counseling is medicine for the soul.  I want the world to know that nothing has helped me through this battle more than my relationship with God.  He places people, opportunities and treatment in my path to help me.  I can’t lie to God.  I have to tell Him everything!  Having that level of friendship with Jesus where you can say anything anytime of the day is the greatest gift and blessing a man can receive. 

I’ll keep striving to make the most of my life and to celebrate the joys, talents, loves, and other blessings I have.  At the end of this road there lies a city made of gold and while that is my ultimate goal, it’s my duty as a Christian and as a Man to use what The Lord has given me to be a ray of hope or light for others.

Love to you all….

Depression: A Mind and Mood Matter

Part One
February 12, 2014

Introduction

I started my journey of public speaking and writing on the topic of Depression in 2007 after a very dear friend and Minister, Wayne Dunaway convinced me the only way to bring about change in the Church was to speak out.  I am very grateful for my upbringing and for my conservative faith, but I also am very aware that many of my brethren and myself included have spent an abundance of time judging others rather than showing love and compassion.  My life long battle with Bipolar Disorder and Depression was intensified by my own perception that I was not good enough for God, Church, Family, and Society.  I set out to change opinions about faith and depression.  Because my friends, family, and brethren at the Ohatchee Church of Christ opened their hearts and minds to me, I have succeeded in my goals and my quality of life.  Regardless of the struggle, God is the Victory.  Every day He brings about emotional victory for me.  God is a healer of all things and He blesses us with great medical minds and technology to improve our physical and mental health just as serving Him improves our spiritual health.

I am by no means a medical expert in the area of mental health.  I don’t have any degrees that qualify me to give medical advice, counseling, etc.  What I do have is life experience and the passion to encourage others to seek help and believe they can overcome the symptoms of this disease.  By sharing my story, symptoms, behavior, setbacks and progress, it might just improve the life of someone who thinks they are alone in this.  This column should be used for inspiration or motivation, not as medical advice.  I am an advocate for prescription treatment when necessary.  Later in my column you will read my story of frustration over the trial and error of my treatment.  This disease is ever evolving and always poses a challenge against an easy prescription fix.  Keep in mind there is no known cure, only improved quality of life, reduced symptoms and cycles, etc.   

My Story

For many years as a young man I struggled with mood swings.  I developed the nickname “Worry Wart” because I drove my family members crazy obsessing about minor details.  Even if my parents and I had little control over a situation, I still worried about it.  The worry became more than just a mood or behavior problem, it became a serious health issue.  My mind began to dump everything on my stomach.  My mother took me for many trips to the doctor and he always said, “some boys just have trouble with their tummys.”  This was of course way back in the 1970s, so there was little discussion about depression and anxiety.  Did you know that “Clinical Depression” did not become a prominent term until 1980?

Eventually my stomach issues translated to an emergency appendectomy, gal bladder, Crohn’s Disease and more.  My parents did the best they could as far as getting medical help, but the issue at the time was mental and the connection between the two was yet to be discovered by a doctor in my Alabama hometown.

As an adult I had years of success, accomplishment and good fortune, but I still crashed emotionally over the smallest of crisis.  I kept most things private and found that I fell deeper into depression out of embarrassment.  I did not understand my emotions.  I thought it was very abnormal for a young man to cry at the drop of a hat.  I would work all day and accomplish my goals, then come home and fall apart at night.  We all know that men are not supposed to be weak and cry.  I was so strong and successful during the day; therefore I couldn’t understand the weakness in the evenings.  I was a faithful member of the church, a youth minister, and took special care of an elderly grandmother.  I thought I was doing everything I could to please God.

I confided in a few friends but no one really understood or knew how to help me.  I reached the lowest point when I lost my maternal grandmother, Bertie Mae in 2003.  She had been such a rock of strength and support for me.  She along with my mother raised me to be a good Christian man and to respect my elders, work hard, and serve humanity.  Losing her was very difficult even though I knew we would be reunited in Heaven.  I began to retreat into darkness more and more, fall away from the Church and begin to plot suicide.  Fortunately God stepped in as He always has.  Minister friends of mine, C.E. and Jean Chappell recognized my condition and began to question me.  Sister Jean would not take no for an answer when I was offered help.  She and C.E. took me to a specialist in Selma and began my medical intervention.  Sometimes we have to realize that imposing concern from a close friend might be the hand of God offering help.

The journey to a better quality of life began.  Over the course of the next few posts, I will detail some of the symptoms, episodes and advancements I have made.  Please know that if you are just beginning this battle, you are not alone.  It can get better but as someone who fights this battle, like many things the first step is to admit there is a problem.

If you would like to reach me personally, feel free to email me at robby.goodwin72@gmail.com. 

Love to you all….

The Helping Hand

This week I have been inspired to put more effort into my advocacy of those who suffer from depression and other mental illnesses.  The holidays were very rough for me.  Coupled with a terrible case of the flu, I seemed to have had my worst depression cycle at Christmas time ever.  Now that I am making progress coming out on the other side of the cycle, I am reminded that God is in control and He uses others to help me get back on track.

I am working on a new five part series that details just about everything I know regarding depression.  I am no professional.  However, I am a life long fighter and survivor of manic depression and bipolar disorder.  Does that make me an expert?  Of course not, but it does mean I have a fair understanding of what I go through and maybe it will help someone that  you love.  It is also some of the most spiritually based writing I have ever done.  It has become so much clearer to me the importance of turning over this battle to The Lord.

A little over a year ago I wrote an article called "How Can I Help?" This article was really for family members, friends or loved ones of those who suffer from mental illness.  For as many millions of those who suffer from this disease directly, there are many more who are affected.  I commend those of you who find the strength to hold on and stand by your loved one.  You take the roller coaster ride along with us.

When I think about the handful of people that I love the very most, you know, big as the sky, I can't help but wonder how they have stayed in my corner.  I can't help but wonder how they forgive me the way God does over and over.  They have their own setbacks and turmoil in life.  They have suffered their own share of tragedy and triumph.  I can see the difference and recognize they have an ability to bounce back or shield themselves from daily attacks from the devil.  They seem to have a certain quality or ability that I don't have.  No matter how hard I try, when I begin to spiral, I lose control and I sink deeper and deeper.  They stand by and reach out their hands knowing all along they can't keep me from sinking.  When I am finally able to stand, they are there to dust me off.

Mental illness takes a major toll on relationships.  There are bold statistics from the AMA and WebMD that would blow your mind about broken marriages, estranged siblings, etc.  Mental illness is evil and targets people of both genders and all races, orientations, heritages, etc.  It is not normal to be depressed for more than a two week period or to have multiple depression episodes per month, year and so on.  It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It causes serious physical problems as well.  As most know, it is the leading cause of suicide.

Understanding all of this information is one thing, but having the ability to stand by your loved one when they direct their mood swings at you is another.  It's difficult to be on the receiving end of fury, accusations, sarcasm, distrust, and other emotions.  I know this because I see the effect on the faces of those I love.  There are many mentally ill people who resort to violence.  Fortunately I have never had the urge to hurt someone else the way I have wanted to hurt myself.  I think those who are in the line of a dangerous physical altercation or violence should remove themselves from the situation and allow only medical or trained professionals to interact with the patient.  This is of course only my opinion.

We are very self-destructive individuals when we are in a bad or depressed cycle.  I am aware of how bad I get at times, but it is also as if I am outside myself watching just like my loved ones.  There were days in the last month that I lay motionless for hours.  It can be paralyzing.  We say awful things aloud, or we shut ourselves off from those trying to help and we make everything about us.  It is a disease with many narcissistic tendencies.  I can always see and understand this so much after a cycle has passed.  My loved ones will tell me to snap out of it, to get up and move forward and look at the positive things in life, but until my brain can grab hold of the truth my body will believe the lie of depression.

The greatest thing that people can do for me is to show love and encouragement and give me the opportunity to make it right when I cause damage.  I think God knew exactly what He was saying when He asked us to forgive again and again.  It is because all would be lost without forgiveness.

Growing up I used to go on tyrades about being an attorney, doctor, preacher, newscaster, writer, etc.  My "high" manic episodes are always filled with grandiose plans and excitement while the "low" ones are all about paralysis.  In my heart, I do beleive that I have been through all of things I have in order to better understand and communicate as an advocate.  I heal so much when I find a way to put my thoughts into words and help others who also suffer.  If I didn't feel so much pain, I might not have compassion for the horrible effects of this disease on so many.  I do beleive emotional pain and anguish is much worse than any physical ailment I have suffered.  It is the most humbling lesson I have ever learned.

To those family members and loved ones who are doing all they can to stand firm for their loved ones I say thank you and maybe God is working to build you stronger.  Recovery and better quality of life is within reach even if a depressed person is sinking.  It's in those hands that are extended to help us up by our loved ones.  Please keep standing firm.

Stay tuned for the five part series, Emotional Victory: Putting The Soul In Control

Love to you all....