Down But Not Out

Recently I spoke at church about learning to wait on God.  It was an effort to improve my patience.  An attempt at actually developing a little virtue in that department, I have NOT been very successful.  Unfortunately, like most incurable illnesses, depression and bipolar disorder cycles whenever it chooses to.  I have found myself feeling quite defeated in the last couple of weeks.  The difference from where I was ten years or even five years ago is that now I am so public about it, I have taken on accountability for my behavior.  When you are honest with your friends, brethren, loved ones, etc., you have no choice but to “overcome” the symptoms.  I am a victim of what is called rapid cycling.  I have addressed this in previous blogs, but it is the worst of my symptoms in my opinion because it clearly makes me look like a hypocrite.  One week I can stand in a pulpit or on a stage and motivate others to strive harder and to trust in God to overcome depression or any other ailment and then the next week I can be at the lowest of lows.  It’s painful to live this way, it’s embarrassing, but I am not the only one who suffers from a Jekyl/Hyde personality.  It’s more prevalent than people realize.  My embarrassment is for those who know me and trust in me the most.  It’s a feeling that I have let them down.  For me, there is a difference between embarrassment and shame.  I will never be ashamed again to talk openly about depression or its ugly side effects, because too many people are still dying from this cruel disease.

When a person is experiencing rapid cycling, it is essential to identify the factors that caused the onset.  For me, I have been feeling like a failure in my career.  I have a desire to do more, to achieve greater success, but mistakes from the past seem to hang over me like a dark cloud.  Thanks to the advice of friends and brethren in the Church, I am reminded to be thankful in all situations.  A person who has no faith in God has no real purpose or reason to be optimistic about anything.  I have a wonderful relationship with God and I know that He has a terrific plan for me.  I am learning a lesson that I needed to learn right now, and I must command the devil to stop attacking me.  When you are a Christian, God builds on your strengths and the devil builds on your weaknesses.  The devil knows that I have terrible mood swings and he knows how to push my buttons, make me throw a pity party, and waste an entire week of my life in despair.  The fact that I have a significant chemical imbalance, medically proven, just makes matters even worse. 

Whatever troubles you will destroy you when you hold it in.  Over the years I have found that concealing secrets that I was ashamed of caused me great physical and mental pain.  I suffered many years of emotional distraught over my father leaving me as a child.  Instead of reaching out for help or talking about it, I just kept it to myself.  I frustrated my mother by crying all the time and not giving her a reason.  I was bullied in school for seemingly being a “crybaby” or my most hated word, “sissy.”  Holding these feelings of despair in resulted in my digestive system being destroyed.  I had an emergency appendectomy, enlarged lliver, gal bladder removal, Crohn’s Disease, and so on.  Many medical professionals have told me that your mind dumps its troubles right on your stomach.  The point is I have learned as an adult, don’t hold in things that will do you physical or mental harm.

I certainly want to help others who suffer from depression by letting them know they are not alone or weird, deranged, crazy or any of those terrible adjectives used to describe their behavior.  In addition to helping those, I want people in general to see that temporary loss of self-esteem, confidence, or even faith can’t go left untreated.  At the very least we have to treat it ourselves by turning to the Word of God, through prayer, edification from brethren, or a hug and a cup of coffee with a friend.  I have a dear sweet friend who is going through a divorce.  It’s been very traumatic because the marriage lasted for forty years.  She is heartbroken, devastated, miserable, depressed, and truly just aching emotionally.  We sang a song at church a few Sundays ago and it hit a nerve with her and she just had to get up and run out of the building.  God lifted me right up out of my seat and I took off after her.  In the parking lot, she basically collapsed into my arms.  She just needed a hug and someone to hear her out.  She is not crazy, strange, or losing her mind…she is going through a terrible time.  She is not bipolar or having panic disorders, etc., life had dealt her a terrible hand and the devil is doing everything he can to make it worse.  She is strong.  She came to me last week and told me of the progress she is making and the new bond she is building with God to get her through this.  She is an amazing example to everyone who knows her.  I love her with all my heart.  She has chosen to break her silence and let the people around her support her and help her and now she is winning her battle.

As I began to sink deeper this week, my anchors just became stronger.  My friends show up with the full armor of God to help repair where the devil has tried to dent mine.  This is exactly what one must do when they are hurting.  Imagine how much better the world would be if we loved with every ounce of our soul.  If we truly cared about our neighbor, and if we truly loved ourselves enough to say, “I need you” to someone. 

God is all powerful.  He is the controller of the universe and nothing is greater than He.  As His children, we have a privilege to go to Him in prayer through Jesus Christ’s name and express our needs.  Of course we must spend more time thanking God for what he has already done for us, but don’t ever think that He gets tired of us asking for help.  He doesn’t.  I know I can’t give up on myself or my dreams, because that would be letting God down and that just can’t happen.

I am thankful to God and all the wonderful people He has placed in my life to teach me there is a better way to battle and win.  Someday, I know He will bless me with the opportunity to give back and help others the way I have been rescued.  Please reach out and help those you love.  If you want something in your life to get better, try helping someone else and see just how God rewards you.  If you agree, please share this entry, I appreciate all your support.  Love to you all.