Binge Eating

We do a lot of things as human beings to make ourselves feel better in times of depression or just general low mood swings.  Unfortunately for me and those of you like me who suffer from chronic forms of emotional illness, impulsive behavior comes more frequently and can be so much more destructive.

For years I have struggled with my fluctuating weight.  I hear a lot of female friends talk about how they struggle and a few men.  I will say that it has been my experience that men do have a better metabolism and find it easier to shed unwanted pounds easier than women.  After I have abused my body for a couple of weeks and begin to feel the side effects, I can usually diet for about 5 days and lose everything I have gained, but it is a dangerous and destructive process.

Both my biological father and grandfather died early deaths from diabetes.  My father was especially overweight and never was able to control his size after his early twenties returning from the Army.  He was the very definition of obese.  It led to his blindness, inability to work, and eventual fatal heart attack in his early fifties.  With this genetic background, I should be extra careful, but my depression is a negative contributing factor.

I admitted to a close friend for the first time a few minutes ago on an email that I use binge eating as a way to treat my depression.  When you read my blog entries you will find nothing but pure honesty and complete openness.  I am airing enough skeletons that would certainly keep me from ever being elected to political office…not that it’s a goal, but maybe an attempt at light humor.

I think for me it starts with snacking.  They call them comfort foods for a reason.  You know, you keep them hidden so visitors don’t see the junk food on the counter.  You go through drive-thru windows hoping that no one will recognize you.  I sometimes go as far as to order multiple sodas, so the cashier doesn’t think the entire order is for me.  I sometimes even say, “Can you bag that separately, I am taking it to someone else?”  Does any of this sound familiar?  I had a particular depressive episode tonight, so at 9PM, I made a trip to the drive-thru.  The result is that I am up blogging at 3AM because I am miserable.  It is destructive to my body and when I come down from the high of the comfort food, I feel worse than I did before, yet I find it difficult to control the impulse when I am caught in the middle of an episode.

I am also impulsive when it comes to shopping.  I will literally go and buy things for myself, Austin, other family members or friends just to feel better.  Once I reach the register I begin to perspire because I know it’s wrong, but kind of like putting money in a slot machine, I just can’t seem to avoid the adrenaline and temporary relief that it gives.  What’s your poison when it comes to impulsive shopping to treat depression?  This may hand you a laugh, but office supply stores are my favorite.  I have so many leather planners, briefcases, roller bags, notebooks, etc., it’s not even funny.  My mother has 3 office chairs she is storing for me because I have no where to put them.  All of these things purchases during a manic episode.

Whether it’s donuts, fast food combos, alcohol, gambling, or any other type of binging, it’s not going to get better unless we talk about it.  So in my weak and liberal “put it all out there” state of mind this morning, I am sharing just in case you can relate. 

I will take all the prayers I can get and I will of course pray for you.  Just remember, it’s not about being ashamed, it’s time to stop being embarrassed and start getting better.

Much Love.

Listen To My Heart

It’s been a while since I had the strength or the inspiration to post a blog entry.  The truth is I have really disappointed myself with what I wanted to accomplish with my writing.  Soon I will turning forty and I often wonder what I have to show for these years.  I am sure it’s a natural feeling that most people go through when they reach a certain age, for me, with the amazing highs and tumultuous lows, falling short of goals feels like a huge failure.  Oh how I hate the sound of the word failure.

I have really had to remind myself on a daily basis that if I never accomplish anything in this life again, the fact that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior is more than plenty.  The Word of God instructs us to lay our treasures up in Heaven and not here on earth.  I pray that my honesty and openness about such a cruel and debilitating disease will be considered an act of good will toward others.  I wrote to my friend Gina earlier that my determination to be open and honest was also to assign accountability to myself.  The more people aware of your depression, the less likely you are to harm yourselves.  It is human nature to care what others think, so I believe even in my darkest hour, I will know that I would not be able to escape without hurting a lot of loved ones.

I made it through the holidays better than I thought I would.  Dealing with the absence of my brother was difficult, but I found great comfort in what the Lord has provided for me this year.  I have returned to a career that keeps me busy all the time, both physically and mentally.  For a person who over analyzes every detail of his life, the busier and more occupied I am, the healthier I will be.

People with Bipolar disorder react to situations differently.  I have talked with and encountered a lot of people who are “angry” manic depressives versus my “sad” rapid cycling.  I am not sure what is worse, but I have seen the negative effect on families of both.  For now, my worst symptom seems to be my lack of restful sleep.  I dream twelve to fifteen dreams per night.  I can remember each of them as if they are movies or books I have read.  Some are far-fetched while others are almost like de je vu.  The common thread is that I wake up mentally exhausted.  I find it so difficult to crawl out of bed each morning because I haven’t rested the previous night.  Literally, my mind tortures my body.  It drains all my energy.  I treat it with impulsive eating, shopping, or other destructive behaviors. 

The medications that are offered to treat these symptoms and keep them to a minimum are helpful but also have short term and long term side effects.  I have experienced reduced kidney function, muscle aches and pains, and serious digestive issues.  I am a supporter of seeking medical help, but I still stand firm beside my decision to look to God first.  He knows that what I need more than anything are friends and loved ones to support me and things to look forward to in life.  He provides exciting events to look forward to and lift my spirits.  He provides inspiration through His Word that a better life waits at the end of this one. 

In addition to the support I have received, I also get a lot of private and mostly anonymous (or cowardly) criticism about how embarrassing it is for a grown man to post such private and personal thoughts.  I have probably allowed some of those comments to silence me more than I should.  How can I be quiet when millions are suffering and are afraid to seek help or even confide in one other person?  I have already risked relationships, career, family, and even Church affiliation by shedding light on a dark subject.  The only thing I have to lose is my sanity if I hold it inside and let it kill me.

Please don’t allow embarrassment or fear prevent you or someone you love from seeking help or counseling for depression or related illnesses.  It is an illness and you would go to the doctor or seek help for any other ailment that brought pain and suffering to your life.  Prayer is a free treatment if you are afraid to seek any other kind.  Reach out to God and I promise He will open doors and make a way for you.  Each time I fall or “retreat” He makes a way for me to take the necessary steps to get back on track.  I believe it’s because I don’t go a single day without praying, even if I just have to say, “God, listen to my heart.”

Thank you for your support and love.  Please share with anyone you know who is hurting and needs to know more than anything….they are not the only one.

Much Love…

Stand Up Against Bullying

Just about everyone I speak with knows someone who is a teenager and is experiencing some level of bullying in school.  The biggest fear that a parent used to have regarding their teenage children was peer pressure.  “Will my child feel the need to follow the crowd to fit in?”  Have you ever found yourself asking that question?  Today, we have to ask ourselves if the self esteem of the teenagers we are raising is being destroyed by a bully, and are they being placed in psychological and physical danger on a daily basis?  My question is when do we stop asking questions and start demanding answers from the Boards of Education and the leaders on campus?  It’s time for a few of us to stand up, put our foot down and take this battle to a new level so our kids can accomplish the academic goals every young person should have instead of constantly living in fear or humiliation.

My nephew Austin has literally been driven to the brink of considering suicide on several occasions because he feels desperate to be accepted and to escape the misery he lives in each day.  Even though he is legally handicap and only has 40% hearing in one ear and 60% in the other, he is mainstreamed with no teacher’s aide.  The defense the school system gives is that the funding is just not there.  However, if you obtain an attorney or push the issue with the Board of Education, after testimony from a physician, they will give in.  In the mean time, the child pays the price for being “different.”  Austin has more challenges than simple physical obstacles.  He suffers from emotional disorders, which obviously are hereditary.  On a daily basis he endures taunting and criticism from others about his speech, appearance, and living arrangement.  For the last two years, my mother has had custody of Austin, her only grandchild, and he sees very little of his parents.  Other teenagers accuse him of being unlovable and earlier this month one young boy even accused him of being romantically involved with his grandmother.  The vile and vulgarity that the youth of today spend their time spewing is unbelievable.  What is more unbelievable to me is that we as a society can’t get control of it.  This is going to be one of our biggest failures as a nation.

The rise in teen suicide is undeniable.  It’s painful to hear stories of young boys and girls hanging themselves because they are taunted for appearance, living arrangement, sexual orientation, etc.  At what point did parents stop teaching their children to mind their own business and keep their hands off each other and their mouths shut?  At what point did we stop teaching children the golden rule?  In fact, how many teenagers can actually tell you what the golden rule is?  Maybe this is another symptom or side effect of taking God out of schools and filling the classrooms with educators who are overwhelmed in schools that are understaffed.

We have to start with prayer.  We all need to spend more time on our knees talking to God about what is best for our children and praying that we have the strength and the resources to defeat what is infecting and eroding the morals of a generation.  Secondly, there has to be accountability.  Laws must be passed and ENFORCED regarding bullying.  Regardless of the circumstances of each child nothing is worth a life going to waste.  When it comes right down to it as Americans, we should stand up and say each and every one of our children have a legal right to an education without interruption or harassment.  If education administrators can’t handle the situation, they need to be removed and I don’t give a hoot about their tenure.  Every job I have ever worked required a certain level of performance and that performance was determined by how well I served the general public, managed company profits, achieved goals, etc.  The same standards need to be in place for teachers and Principals. 

I also believe the behavior of every child starts with circumstances at home.  Austin is accountable for his behavior as well.  He has not had the ideal upbringing, no one does anymore.  It’s rare for a child to have the kind of home life that existed 25-30 years ago.  Many young boys and girls who are bullies come from broken homes and are lashing out, but also many of them come from self-righteous materialistic homes and they have the example of their parents of looking down on everyone else. 

I am completely fed up and I don’t plan on sitting on the sidelines and watching my nephew suffer through three more years of high school constantly as a victim of bullying.  Physical and emotional abuse should be punishable by law at any and every age.  This is a conversation we must keep going.  We have to do whatever it takes to save the lives of the innocent and give them the start in life that everyone deserves.  Please pass this along to as many as you can and let’s stop this cycle.  The only way to bring about change is with your voice, your heart, and your hands.  I hope we can all start making a difference before bad goes to worse.

God bless you all.

Begin Again

When you look at the journey you are on in life, there are so many twists and turns and very few people actually follow the path they map out for themselves in those teenage planning or “dreaming” years.  God's ultimate plan for us is to spend eternity with Him in Heaven.  What happens in the middle is what we call life.  Regardless of our best laid plans, thankfully because of His endless forgiveness, we can always start over. 

I can’t even remember all of the dreams I have dreamed.  That’s why I know that God doesn’t just place one dream in my heart.  I believe he wants me to be happy, content, and realize that I am to store my treasures in Heaven and not in the corner office, my garage, or the local bank.  Tonight as I was writing in my prayer journal I had been reading in Psalms for inspiration.  David says that a man who has nothing more than his breath when weighed with a man who has many riches, the two combined equal nothing but breath.  In the grand scheme of things the material things or anything we place abundant value on in this world doesn’t amount to anything compared to the relationship we have with God and what awaits us in eternity.

This summer has been one of the hardest seasons in all my life.  As I look back on times when I lost jobs, battled life threatening illnesses, and buried loved ones, nothing seems to compare to the battle within Rob as I know him this summer.  I launched one of the most successful speaking tours I have ever been able to do.  I am so very proud of my Faith Is A Factor platform, but, the devil was very disappointed in it and did everything he could to destroy my love for God.  He has done everything possible to hang as a dark cloud over the glory and honor I wanted to give to the Lord for showing me a better way to deal with depression.

I made terrible decisions throughout parts of this year.  Those decisions cost me on so many levels, because I found myself in a constant struggle of impulse vs. rationality.  Fortunately, victory has prevailed and as God’s Word clearly explains, we will prosper and He will answer the pleas of the righteous.

In my younger days everything I did was about pride.  It was all about outperforming someone else.  Just because I grew up in a trailer park to cotton mill workers, didn’t mean I wasn’t going to be the most successful person to emerge from Cochran’s hollow.  I wasted too many years storing up treasures on earth…in the corner office, on the business card, in the local bank.  Fortunately I have always served the Lord, but I never truly grasped the clarity of a man’s relationship with his Savior until the last couple of years, magnified even more this year.

Already on a downward spiral, I wrote the sermon, “Faith Is A Factor,” and delivered it with good reviews.  I was able to tour multiple states and reach new brothers and sisters and patients who suffer the same illness as I.  Unfortunately, and not to paint myself as the victim, because I am not, my brother was brutally and in my mind unfairly killed in a car crash at the end of June.  I still can’t understand how a man who never had an enemy, never had a sickness, and was so full of joy had to go before his younger weaker, sicker, sad and depressed brother.  I allowed this grief to overcome me and dominate my life for the last fifteen weeks. 

Realizing that I was in a state of chaos and on a collision course with disaster, I decided to practice what I was so effortlessly preaching….

Completely turning your life over to God is humbling.  When you really make that connection where you understand that He is in total control and you remove the negatives, regardless of how much it hurts or what the consequences might be, peace really begins to pass understanding.  You see I will never understand my brother’s death.  I am not meant to understand it, not in this life anyway.  Regardless of the nights I wake screaming his name or how much I wish I had changed the pattern of that last day, it is done and out of my control.

Through all of the panic attacks and the struggles to survive other snowballing disasters, God emerges with a plan.  He uses the original talents He gave me.  He uses His people, such as Courtney, Sherry, Gina, Kim, Estee, Wayne, LuAnne, Becky, Jean, Nell, Paul, Angie, Tracy, Tonya, Cindy, Suzanne, Michele, Laura, Len  and so many others to encourage and guide me toward making the right decisions to overcome circumstances that had me on the path to destruction.

Finally, I am not a man who cares what others think as much I care what others KNOW and believe in their hearts about God, not about me.  I can be victorious and overcome for Him.  I can use the talents He gave me, to begin again, so humbly and so willingly to take each day one step at a time.  Joel Osteen recently put out a devotional that God doesn’t want His children to suffer in the bad economy the way others do, and this is so true, even in dark times, as the scriptures tell us, our God is a God of abundance in everything, including happiness.

As I read back over my prayer journal entries just in the last few weeks, I can see how God aligned everything for me.  How in my desperation, He worked more quickly, He knew I needed fast results.  Now with His new blessings for me and the new “old” journey I am about to embark on, is a full circle example of embracing the simplicity of using our talents and perhaps this second time around I will learn to glorify Him even more.

God is a giver of many chances.  His forgiveness is endless.  His love is without condition or limits.  So then should be our service in His name.  By the grace and mercy of God I begin again and that is His plan, and today that is all I need to understand.

My love to all….

The Simple Life

A couple of years ago my good friends Ricky and Kim Johnson Dunaway moved from Ohatchee back to Kim’s hometown of Scottsville, Kentucky.  I have been meaning to visit them for some time, but we all know about good intentions.  We let life get in the way.  Fortunately, Kim and Ricky continually encouraged me to visit and with my recent “Faith Is A Factor” tour I received a special invitation from the Elders at the Scottsville Church of Christ to speak.  I had an amazing experience on this trip.

Scottsville, Kentucky is nestled in the south central area of the bluegrass state.  My initial plan was to take I-65 north through Cullman, Decatur, and eventually into Nashville and up to Bowling Green.  I would then head back southeast for about twenty miles or so to Scottsville.  Ricky suggested that I take the scenic route just south of Chattanooga across Monteagle mountain and then take hwy 231 outside Murphreesboro, into Lebanon, and straight across the Kentucky line into Scottsville.  I made great time and truly enjoyed the drive.  A couple of days before I left, my friend Austin Brown and I had corresponded about our prayer journals, and he promised me he would give me a report in a few months on how his was going for a “year-end sermon” I am planning.  I used the windshield time for a lot of traditional conversation with the Lord, especially since I couldn’t write and drive.  As the east coast was bracing for Hurricane Irene, Tennessee was enjoying beautiful sunny skies.  The amazing views were inspirational across the mountain and it was so appropriate to express my gratitude and deepest thoughts to God.

Once I arrived in Kentucky, I visited with my friends for a while and we enjoyed some southern cooking for lunch and then decided to venture outside town a short distance to a Mennonite community.  If you have never had the opportunity to witness the lifestyle of the Amish country, you have no idea what you are missing.  I had heard stories from Ricky and Kim, but was not prepared for the simplicity and purity of life these faith driven people live.  I was not surprised by the fact there is no electricity, but the creativity and volume of production these families yield from the land is amazing.  They use the strongest horses, manmade tools, and their backs to grow the most beautiful crops.

As we toured jam houses, furniture shops, produce stands, and “pick your own pepper” fields, the friendly and humble nature of the Mennonites warmed my heart.  From early ages these spiritually grounded overachievers develop the strongest work ethic I have ever seen.  It reminds me of stories my Mom and Grandmother told me about their cotton farming days. 

One of the most intriguing characteristics I picked up unanimously from this community was joy.  There was no complaining, laziness or arrogance like you might find in your local store or restaurant.  Long lines or staring tourists didn’t seem to impact them at all.  Looking into their eyes, all you could see was understanding and kindness, no judgment.  I kept thinking to myself as we drove around in air conditioned cars watching them drive their horse drawn wagons and carriages, most of us were judging them.  “How do they live like this?”  “Why do they believe they can’t watch any TV or have any electricity?”  “Why must they cover their heads and wear long dresses in the summer and all the boys wear suspenders?”  This community lives a simple life where they are not trying to keep up with the neighbors.  They are not stressed out by the need for materialistic success. 

I certainly didn’t leave Scottsville, KY planning to go join a Mennonite community or buy a patch of land and start completely living off my harvest, or giving up my car, TV, computer, etc.  I did however, come away with a much better understanding of contentment.  I realized this community was not there for my entertainment but for a lesson in life that I needed to learn.  Those of us who truly are trying to live the Christian life are not that different from the Mennonites.  We serve the Lord first and realize that we store our treasures in Heaven, not here on earth.  We want for nothing, because God supplies all basic needs and motivation.

I will never stop believing that God wants me to dream and He wants me to accomplish as much in my life as my heart desires as long as it doesn’t interfere or diminish my love for Him.  I keep thinking back to what a bright young speaker named Renee Zeringue recently said during a sermon.  The void we feel within us can on be filled by God.  If we don’t allow Him to be first, we will never know true joy and satisfaction.  The perfect simple message for the most complicated of lives.  I am thankful for my friends Ricky and Kim, the Elders at the Church in Scottsville, the Mennonites, and for a wonderful God who teaches me inspirational life lessons.

All glory to God, Almighty!

Dreaming: Good or Bad?

I have a good friend who lies down and goes to sleep every night as soon as the head hits the pillow.  This friend has very strict rules about not watching TV in bed, not reading in bed, not working on the laptop in bed.  For the most part, the bed is for sleep.  “You must train your body and mind the bed is for sleeping!”  This is the constant lecture I receive.  Very sound advice because I work from my bed constantly.  I watch TV there, I read there, I write there, and I talk on the phone and Facebook there.  I also toss and turn every single night and dream extremely vivid dreams there.  My friend….never dreams or doesn’t remember them if they do.

I wake up in the morning absolutely exhausted from the dreams I have dreamed.  They are so vivid and so real.  Several doctors have advised me over the years that it is a symptom of the mental disorder.  When I worked in a restaurant, I cooked all night in my sleep.  When I worked in a retail jewelry store, I sold watches all night in my sleep.  When I traveled as a marketing director, I flew on an airplane every night in my sleep.  My mind never stopped and never rested.  It has been this way my entire life, and bordering on forty years old, it has almost worn this body and mind out.

Over the years I have been prescribed sleep aids such as Ambien, etc.  The problem is that with Bipolar Disorder, it has an adverse effect and you sit straight up in the bed about two hours after you fall asleep, wide awake.  It is a result of the chemical imbalance.

For me, dreaming has not always been detrimental.  My dreams are so vivid and creative that I have used them to write, develop marketing campaigns, and even visit with relatives who have passed away.  I often see my dreams as a gift from God because it’s my way of communicating with my beloved grandmothers and my Dad since they passed away.  I can remember very detailed conversations when I wake up in the morning and questions answered that helped me to bring closure to the death of a loved one.

Back on June 25 when my older brother Tony passed away from his car accident, I was devastated.  I lost sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking of him and I couldn’t manage my grief.  I didn’t see him in my sleep, I just tossed and turned because I felt guilty that it happened to him and I felt regret that I was not a better brother to him.  For over eleven weeks I have suffered thinking how will I ever find closure to his death when there was no proper opportunity to say goodbye.  He was taken from us abruptly.  Death was instant, and there was no open casket or no possible way for us to view his remains, or have the “traditional goodbye.”  I barely was able to compose a sentence through his entire eulogy.

I feel that I have spent most of this time in shock.  Not fully accepting the fact that he is gone and not coming back.  Concentrating more on regret and the “what if’s?”

Last weekend was Labor Day weekend.  A wonderful and loving group of friends took me to Fairhope, AL near Mobile Bay and Gulf Shores to rest and recuperate.  Saturday, September 3 would have been Tony’s forty-fifth birthday.  I was devastated and no matter how hard I tired, I couldn’t be the life of the party that I wanted to be.  In fact, I lay in bed until lunch time on Saturday, just dozing in and out of sleep, mostly too sad to muster the energy to socialize.  Finally, one of my friends came and kissed me on the cheek, woke me up and said we are all waiting for you.  I agreed to get up and shower and go out for lunch.  There was a triple red flag at the beach due to Tropical Storm Lee and the wind and waves were unbelievably intense.  I put on a little show for my friends to make them laugh by doing my own version of a weather report.  I gave a high energy performance, we even uploaded it to Youtube, but before long, sadness reclaimed control.

The day progressed and we had wonderful meals, great conversation and all the friends encouraged me to talk about Tony and share stories of our childhood, and so I did.  They sat and listened intently as I verbalized memories of laughter and love from years gone by.  I told of our varying interests as young boys, different styles as men in our twenties, and complete opposite career pursuits.  The one thing we did have in common was our respect for each other.  We never fought, and if there was a disagreement, we just didn’t discuss it because we never wanted to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. 

On Saturday night, September 3, the day that I should have been celebrating Tony’s birth, I drifted to sleep and for the very first time in the eleven weeks since his tragic accident I dreamed of him.   I dreamed I was riding In that old blue Supra, just as plain as day he cruised around the square in Jacksonville past the McDonald’s and all along the campus.  In my dream, he was dressed in a suit.  The one picked out to bury him in.  He looked handsome and healthy.  I kept telling him over and over, “Tony you are dead, you are gone.”  He just kept smiling at me and saying, “I know.”  I rolled the window down and let the air hit my face as tears streamed down.  I kept turning back to look at him to see when he was going to be gone.  Finally, he said, to me, “I am always going to be here, in your dreams.”

When I awoke on Sunday morning, my pillow was soaked in the tears I had cried.  I have complained for years of the dreams I had to endure.  The recurring nightmares and the endless dreams of work that caused me to wake up so exhausted in the mornings; however, at that moment, I realized, I couldn’t trade that dream for anything.  It was a step in the direction of closure.  By no means am I over it.  I don’t think I ever will be.  Still, I trust him and believe that when I desperately need the comfort, there he will be in my dreams. 

For those who believe there is no God, how do you explain the miracle of the mind?  The subconscious state of mind that satisfies the soul and mends the broken heart is undeniable.  God exists as the Almighty, All-Knowing, and All Powerful God.  He comes through for us in all forms and fashions.  I am learning to be thankful for some of the suffering I have had to endure in life, especially when it draws me nearer to Him and His hand can turn a handicap into a mechanism for healing.

I would say the title to this blog is about as rhetorical as one can get.  I’ll vote that dreaming is good, and oh how I pray that God never lets me stop.

Chase your dreams, for in those moments you may find the answers to the uncertainty of reality.  

Good Intentions...Bad Implementation

Most of the blog entries I write are directly related to my personal struggles, and my pursuit for emotional wellness.  They are lessons that I need to learn just as much as the next guy.  Recently I spoke at a small congregation in Odenville and I assured the group that “I am not a preacher, I am a speaker.”  Preachers are a lot more knowledgeable about scripture, have more patience, and do an abundance of work that I am not capable of doing.  However, when I speak, I incorporate personal stories and usually the toes I mean to step on are my very own.  Such is the case with my blog.

I am proud to say that one part of my life that I remain consistent is prayer.  Since starting my prayer journals well over eighteen months ago, I have maintained my commitment to pray more diligently on a daily basis.  I need to implement these results in every area of my life.  Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you constantly have good intentions, but very poor implementation?

One of the most common cases of good intentions among my friends and in my own life has been health or weight control.  We all tell ourselves in our “New Year’s Resolutions” that we will lose this much weight by this date, etc.  It works for a while, right?  Somewhere along the line if you are like me, work gets in the way, social life gets in the way, responsibility with the kids, so on and so forth.  We could make a hundred excuses why we don’t deliver on our promises to ourselves.

Since my brother’s death on June 25th, I have been back in a manic depressive state for approximately forty days.  My friend Gina Brown talked to me about meditation and yoga, and made me promise to do it and then text her when I was done.  I stuck with it about three days, but when the accountability disappeared I stopped.  It’s not Gina’s responsibility to make sure Rob does yoga on a daily basis.  She has a husband and three children and a thriving business to take care of.  The lesson I need to learn is take the advice, and implement the process rather than chalk it up to another “good intention, gone bad.”

My close friend Angie was just texting me tonight about how thankful I need to be and what kind of man she sees me as.  She used words like creative, smart, faithful, loyal and strong.  Are you kidding me, Rob Goodwin strong?  Joel Osteen often talks about positive affirmation in his daily devotionals and I certainly have had good intentions over the last several years to encourage myself on a daily basis with positive descriptions like those mentioned above.  Again, planned but not executed.

Life is full of ups and downs and no one person has any right to claim their life is harder than anyone else.  We can’t know the pain that one person feels until we walk in their shoes.  I will say from experience though, when I am in a manic depressive state, I find it much harder to deal with the day to day ups and downs.  I can be on a natural high after a solid presentation at 2PM, and then by 4PM feel like every limb on my body weighs one hundred pounds and be mentally exhausted and depressed.  For some, medication is the only way to fight such roller coaster emotions.  I agree that’s the best pursuit for many; however, I choose to write, speak, and reach out to loved ones as my therapy and treatment process.  My speaking engagements and blog entries are my way of saying there is one finger pointing at you and four right back at me.  The  genuine kindness my loved ones show in reading and commenting on my blog and sending positive and encouraging emails and text messages is the best medicine for me.

Earlier this year, a great young man who worships at the Ohatchee church with us, but is actually away at school, Rene Zeringue preached one of the best sermons I have ever heard in my life.  He pointed out that we never truly find happiness and satisfaction until we go to God first for completion in our lives.  God is the only one who can fulfill every need.  He kept saying over and over, if you feel a void in the pit of your stomach, you need to fill it with God, first.  This is also the area in our lives where good intentions can’t get us into Heaven.  We have to implement our faith and obedience to the best of our abilities.  Christ’s blood was shed so that we could all know salvation through Him, but we must accept that and live accordingly.

My friends, if you are like me and there are plenty of areas in your life where you have good intentions but bad implementation, the path to improvement certainly begins with prayer and service to God.  For those who battle emotional issues or loved ones who have someone in their life who struggle, communication is the best good intention and the best way to implement healing.  Accountability works for me, and I rely on it daily for survival.  Please pass along this blog for encouragement and let’s keep loving one another and serving our God with all our might.

Love to you all….