Where's The Switch

Yesterday I was winding down from my long day and decided to see what I could find on Netflix.  I love movies.  They tend to inspire me to be creative, especially a good story.  I also really enjoy a great documentary so as I was looking through the list I saw the title for Iron Lady starring Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher.  Well if you are my age or older then you know what a pivotal role in history Mrs. Thatcher played.  I have read several books about her and loved this film.  She was a great Prime Minister. 

The story focuses a great deal on Thatcher’s life after the death of her husband.  She grew older and feeble and began to have hallucinations.  In these visions she had conversations with her late husband, Denis.  Finally noticing that she was hallucinating and closely being watched by her caregivers she began to attempt silencing her husbands voice.  She went through her home turning on blenders, radios, televisions, mixers, etc.  “If I can’t hear you then you are just not here,” she said.

This scene resonated with me in a different way.  When I lay down at night, my mind will not stop racing.  I over-worry about every detail of my job, my life, and the lives of people I love.  It’s a life-long habit.  Worry is very chronic for me.  It’s just part of who I am.  I generally “put myself to bed” about 10PM each evening.  If I am lucky, I will fall asleep somewhere after 11, but many nights it is early the next morning before I truly fall into sleep.  Thoughts race through my mind as if I am a cross platform in the Subway.  I toss and turn trying to interrupt the thought process.  I even use a method of “stop thinking” where I actually say a random word out loud to change what I am thinking.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  It’s just another symptom of my disease.  Where is the switch to turn off my mind?

I try and look at each of the idiosyncrasies of my personality and character and focus more on the positive.  I am a high functioning Bipolar.  It can be done.  It would be easy to allow things like reduced sleep, limited REM cycles, etc. to prevent me from going to work each day and being successful, but I don’t.  I have enjoyed a full time career now for 24 years and I consider that to be a magnificent blessing and accomplishment.  Millions of Americans who share my diagnosis and symptoms are low functioning and are not able to work or support themselves.  What is different about me?

I certainly can’t speak for and do not want to criticize other manic depressive patients, but I can share my secret to success.  It has taken years to embrace and I enjoy talking about The Lord my Healer.  It came through prayer.  God showed me the way to build a support team.  I gave my life and my struggles to Him a long time ago and since then, even with trips and falls, I am able to progress.

Once again, this is meant to motivate others not criticize:

1.     God is my main Therapist.  I love to journal so it just makes sense for me to write letters to God.  I do it every morning and many nights.  I tell him all of my thoughts, including those nagging worries.  He listens.  He directs me with my conscience.  He makes things happen for me just like He does every Christian who kneels in prayer.  Every step after this one is designed by and blessed by the Heavenly Father.  He showed me the path.

2.     Compassionate Circle.  A depressed individual is a lonely person.  It’s a condition that makes a person very narcissistic and causes a feeling of being lost at sea with no raft.  This is where an essential dose of friendship and love is the prescription.  My compassionate circle is made of family and friends who know everything there is to know about me. They may not like my decisions or behavior sometimes, they certainly don’t understand particular actions or mood swings, but they still hold my hand.  I have more than my share of shoulders to lean on.  Next to God, they are the main reason I am high functioning.

3.     Non-negotiable Elements.  We all have things in life that we are simply not willing to compromise on.  That’s good.  It’s important to stand for what you believe in.  For me, success is a must.  I will not negotiate in that area.  I come from a long line of workaholics.  My grandparents were cotton farmers along Highway 21 just north of Jacksonville.  My mother, aunts and uncles only went to school after the harvest, because picking cotton supported their family.  Mom and Dad raised my siblings and I by working in the cotton mills across Calhoun County.  Hard physical labor is all they knew.  Work is in my genetics just as much as blue eyes and a pug nose!

 I have what many would call a desk job, but the work ethic remains the same.  I actually probably put in twice as many hours than most blue-collar positions because my mind is constantly turning and churning.  Retirement is not an option for me.  Aside from the financial aspect, sedentary behavior is never beneficial for a manic-depressive.  I am also blessed to work for a fellow Christian who cares for me, recognized my talent, and guides me through my challenges.  I truly believe that goes back to #1 on my list, “God is my main therapist.”  He knows how much career means to me; therefore a way has been made.

I have spent many years looking for the switch to turn the racing thoughts off in my mind.  There are plenty of medications that will do it for a while, but learning to cope and focus on the positive aspects is really what gets me through those terrible rapid cycles.  Positivity is truly your life raft in that open sea.  Concentrating on the fact that your battle has already been won will keep you from drowning. 

We all need sleep and I continually pray for and pursue exercises and options for mentally shutting my brain off at night and getting the much needed sleep.  I don't allow it to defeat me and I trust that God will allow me to use my experiences to help others.  Every symptom I endure can be handled by God and my circle, yours can too!

I don’t know a Christian out there who hasn’t faced tribulation.  We all do, but because He listens and answers, we progress.  Seriously, there is absolutely no way to lose as a Christian.  Whether you have cancer, blindness, addiction, material poverty, or any other attack from Satan; victory has been claimed by Jesus Christ.  It’s not a cliché’ or a gimmick, faith is spiritual medicine and it belongs in every treatment plan. 

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Love to you all.